Ep #316: How to Improve Your Self-Talk

Hello! If you are joining this next round of The Stop Binge Eating Program, registration will be opening tomorrow, August 21st of 2024 so get ready! Once you join you’ll be able to get started with the coursework right away, before the program officially begins so the sooner you join, the sooner you’ll start making progress.

This program is going to be packed with everything you’ll need to stop binge eating so you can stop piecing together information from different sources and approaches and you’ll get a comprehensive, streamlined, structured method that has been proven to work.

Instead of searching for answers all over the place, you’ll be able to find so many answers to your questions inside of the course and, you’ll be able to ask me questions whenever you want. I’ll be like your stop binge eating Google.

And, not only will it help you to stop wasting time but, it will help you to stop wasting so much money on wasted food that you throw away because you don’t want to binge on it, and excessive food that you do binge on, because you’re finally going to get personalized help to stop eating so much, stop fearing food, and stop fearing that you’ll binge again. That’s what we’ll be working on in the program, and so much more.

Basically, you can let go of what hasn’t been working for you, stop trying the same things over and over that aren’t giving you lasting results, and do something that just might be everything you have been looking for.

You can get all the info about the program, and register tomorrow by going to coachkir.com/group. And if you’re listening to this before it opens, join the waitlist so you can get notified via email as soon as it opens.

Again, the sooner you register, the sooner you’ll get started.

And if you have any questions that aren’t answered on that page, coachkir.com/group, email them to info@coachkir.com.

Alright, now let’s talk about improving your self-talk which is something that is holding a lot of you back from stopping binge eating.

It’s something I’ve worked with tons of people on in the program because too often, people are super negative with themselves and that’s a big reason why one binge turns into multiple, and why they don’t stop binge eating for good.

Negative self-talk is going to be the start of a ripple effect that is going to cause you to feel bad about yourself and behave badly.

Some of you might think that being so hard on yourself or being negative with yourself going to motivate you to do better, that it will push you to change but it actually has the opposite effect.

If you’ve listened to a lot of episodes of this podcast, you’ve heard me talk about the think – feel – act process, which is part of the thought model, and this is exactly why negative self-talk is a problem.

To refresh, or to explain for those who haven’t heard me talk about it, or haven’t heard of it from someone else, when you’re thinking thoughts to yourself, or essentially speaking to yourself, you’re going to feel an emotion. Your thoughts, your self-talk, is going to cause you to feel a certain way.

Then, how you are feeling is going to drive you to act in a certain way.

For example, feeling defeated or hopeless is going to drive you to give up and quit.

Feeling ashamed is going to drive you to isolate and hide.

So basically, if you’re speaking negatively to yourself about yourself, you’re going to feel negatively and be driven to act negatively, which is likely not how you want to be acting.

How this affects a lot of people who binge is that they speak to themselves negatively if they binge, or if they overeat, or if they think they ate something bad, and it ends up perpetuating binge eating.

They ate what they ate, they tell themselves that they’re a failure, they’re weak, they’ll never be able to stop doing this, and they’re so disgusting.

Those are just some examples of negative self-talk I hear people use after they binge.

And then they feel awful. They feel like a failure, inadequate, ashamed, disgusted with themselves, hopeless, or some other negative, uncomfortable emotion.

And when they feel that way, they’re not then going to be super motived to do better and get back to regular eating, and be good to themselves and their bodies.

Those are emotions that drive actions like quitting, giving up, doing nothing productive, nothing enjoyable, nothing to better themselves, and possibly more eating.

People that experience multiple binges in a row, a lot of the time are doing it because of their negative self-talk. Their negative self-talk is what begins the process of the next binge and the next.

Everything you do begins with a thought and that includes bingeing.

And when you give up on yourself, when you are hard on yourself, when you mentally beat yourself up, you’re going to feel a negative emotion, and then feel driven to stop trying to do what you really want to do, which is the work to not binge, and instead you’ll follow through on the negative behavior.

Now, some of you are pretty aware of the negative self-talk you engage in.

Some of you aren’t, or maybe are just aware of just a little bit of it, but there is much more that you’re not aware of.

But if you notice that you’re not doing the things you want to do, and if you notice that you keep quitting on yourself, pay attention to your thoughts. Pay attention to the things that you say to yourself about yourself.

Become aware of what your self-talk sounds like.

Because if you’re going to work on making your self-talk more neutral or positive, you have to first know what you’re saying.

And maybe just listening will be enough to help you become aware.

But I’d also suggest taking some time to write down what you think about yourself, especially in relation to your binge eating, and be uncensored and honest. Don’t sugar-coat anything, be truthful.

And notice how negative, neutral, or positive you are with yourself.

If you have a lot of negative self-talk going on, it needs to be worked on so you can feel and behave better.

And here’s how you’re going to do it.

First you’re going to write down all the negative self-talk you usually use, so things you often say to yourself about yourself that are negative. Write down anything you can think of.

Then, for each one, you’re going to write how you feel when you talk to yourself that way, and then how you behave when you feel that way. Make it clear to yourself how that way of speaking to yourself is affecting you. Show yourself how it’s causing you to feel and behave in ways you don’t want to.

Seeing how your self-talk is having a negative effect on you can help to motivate you to change it.

Now, once you know what thought you’re changing, what self-talk you’re changing, you have to decide what you want to change it to.

If you’re not going to speak to yourself that way, how do you want to speak to yourself?

What would be a kinder, more compassionate, more encouraging, or gentler way to speak to yourself?

If you were speaking to your best friend and they used that self-talk about themselves, how would you want to respond to them?

And it’s important to know that you don’t have to be super positive with yourself. Positive self-talk doesn’t have to be the goal here. Neutral is better than negative. Neutral is an improvement.

And it’s also important that you’re being truthful and coming up with self-talk that you actually believe.

You’re not going to try and tell yourself that you’re amazing or you’re a success if you don’t believe it. It won’t help you.

If you don’t believe it, it won’t actually create the better emotion to drive the better behavior.

So find what you do believe that feels better than what you’ve been telling yourself.

And then you’re going to practice saying it to yourself.

Practicing is what will make this, and anything, become more natural.

You’re going to practice saying it to yourself randomly, just to get used to speaking to yourself that way.

And you’re also going to replace the negative self-talk when it happens, and it’s going to happen.

You don’t usually just do this work and come up with better feeling thoughts and all the sudden the negative ones go away. They still come up because that’s how you’re used to speaking to yourself. But it’s not a problem if they come up. You’re just going to notice them and replace them.

You’re going to tell yourself that you don’t speak to yourself that way anymore than then speak to yourself how you do speak to yourself now.

You’re going to acknowledge that the negative self-talk isn’t useful and tell yourself something that is useful.

And don’t get frustrated with yourself if you do hear yourself speak negatively to yourself.

Then you’re adding to the problem. You’re engaging in negative self-talk about your negative self-talk. Not helpful!

When you’ve been speaking this way to yourself for a long time, it’s going to take time to re-program how you speak to yourself. It’s going to take practice. You’re changing something that has become habit, natural, and what you’ve been used to.

So when you hear the negative self-talk, you’re just going to notice it, without emotion, without getting mad at yourself for thinking it, and just speak better to yourself.

And you’re going to practice, practice, practice until better self-talk becomes your new normal.

And when you do that, you’ll feel better and therefore act better.

If you’re someone who usually is really negative toward themselves after bingeing, then this will help you to not fall into consecutive binges.

Same with overeating. Same with any other behavior that stems from your negative self-talk.

Just like how negative self-talk will cause negative emotions that drive negative behavior, neutral self-talk will cause neutral emotions that drive neutral behavior, and, positive self-talk will cause positive emotions that drive positive behavior.

So be neutral or positive with yourself.

Speaking negatively is optional, and you have plenty of other self-talk options to choose from.

Choose to speak better to yourself.

Alright, so that’s what I have for you for this episode today and when you join the Stop Binge Eating Program, I will help you change your self-talk. Especially if you’ve been doing it a long time it can be challenging to change it but it will be a lot easier with my help.

So let’s work on it together, along with letting go of diet mentality, excessive restrictions, excessive emotional eating, working through urges and decreasing the intensity and frequency of your binge urges until you don’t feel them anymore, improving your relationship with your body, and so much more that we’ll work on in the program.

Again, you can find all the info and tomorrow, you can register at coachkir.com/group and if you have any questions that aren’t answered on that page, email them to info@coachkir.com.

I cannot wait to work with you and to help you to stop binge eating.

And in the meantime, be kinder to yourself. Being so negative just isn’t helping. Bye bye.