Ep #379: Don’t Make This Mistake When Setting Goals

Hello! Today I’m talking with you about setting goals and what’s probably the number one mistake that I see people make when doing it.

Stopping binge eating in itself is a goal but in order to achieve that goal, you’re going to have to achieve other smaller goals that will get you there.

And the biggest mistake I see people make when setting these goals is that they try to do too much too soon. They try to make big changes.

And because it’s too big of a change for them, they’re not able to sustain it.

So, here’s an example.

Say someone is, on average, eating 5 joy foods a day both during and outside of binges.

They don’t want to be eating that many so they decide that they’re going to set a goal to eat only one a day.

Now, how long do you think they’ll be able to eat just one a day? My guess is not very long.

To go from 5 a day every day to just one a day is a big change.

For most people, it’s too big of a change.

Our brains love habits and routine. They like to do things the same as they have been. And if you’re going to make a big change, it’s going to take a lot of effort, intention, thought management, and focus. It’s also likely going to create a lot of discomfort.

If you’re trying to do that every day, it can get exhausting. It can also be hard because you have other things going on in your life, decisions to make, problems that arise that need to be taken care of, stressors, so many things that also require your attention. So to try to take on all that life is already presenting to you plus making a big change to a habit is probably too much.

This is a big reason why people do well for a few days and then stop. They can’t sustain the change.

But a lot of the time, people don’t even realize that this is the problem. So they just think that if they try again then they’ll be able to do it. They keep trying again and again without success, then get down on themselves, stop believing they can do it, and quit on themselves until they’re ready to try it again.

But they are not the problem. It’s their goal that’s the problem.

The goal they’re setting isn’t meeting them where they are.

That’s going to be the most achievable goal to set – one that meets you where you are.

It’s like if you are wanting to exercise 5 days a week for an hour a day when you haven’t exercised at all for years.

If you haven’t exercised for years, there’s a reason why. First, something happened, or there was a gradual decline, and not exercising continued for years. And now, what has been stopping you for all those years? The simple answer is your thoughts. You think up excuses and justifications to not do it, you tell yourself that other things are more important when some of the things actually aren’t, you think it’s going to be too hard or uncomfortable, or you tell yourself you just don’t feel like it.

How do you expect to get over any of that in order to get yourself to work out for an hour 5 times in a week? That’s going to take so much mental work to do.

And not only that, but what about your body? Can your body handle that? Or is it going to get burnt out, so your body is too exhausted to do that much, so you feel disappointed and maybe even some shame like there’s something wrong with you or your body when really, it was just too much too soon.

So when I’m coaching a client and I suspect that the problem is that they’re trying to make too big of a change too soon, I recommend that they make their goal smaller.

Sometimes my suggestion is a goal that is not much different than what they’re already doing.

For example, that person who is eating 5 joy foods a day every day, I might suggest that rather than impulsively eating those 5 joy foods that they plan to eat 5 joy foods.

A lot of the time, they hate that idea. They think it’s not enough.

But what needs to be realized is that it’s something different. It is a change. They need to be doing something different, they need to make a change, and this is different and a change.

Being intentional is different than being impulsive.

And here’s the thing about that example. You’re going to feel so much different when you are allowing yourself to eat 5 than when you’re not allowing yourself and are doing what you think is wrong by eating the 5. And when you feel differently, you will act differently.

I know it might sound crazy but, sometimes when you give yourself permission to eat the 5, you don’t even want to. Or maybe you do sometimes but other times you don’t.

And even if you do want to eat all 5, you’re not going to eat it in the same way and feel the same as you do when you’re being impulsive.

And, if you plan for 5 and eat only the 5, you’re achieving your goal. You’re doing what you said you’d do, and that’s going to be a confidence and trust builder. And after you achieve that goal several times, you might feel more confident that you can do just 4 for one day, and the idea of 4 in one day might seem really doable, and then you achieve that goal. So many goals being achieved and it feels so good.

That’s so different than when you’re just impulsively going for another and another and feeling bad about it the whole time and afterwards. When you feel bad about what you’re doing, it can then lead to doubting your ability, losing confidence and trust, and giving up on yourself, leading you to eat even more that day or the next day and maybe even the next day.

I get that you might want to get it down to one, and you will, but not right now.

One small step at a time in the right direction and you will get there.

And you make that first step close to where you are. You start where you are.

You’re already eating 5 joy foods every day, I’m not suggesting you eat more than that, I’m just suggesting that you do what you’re already doing but with intention so you don’t feel as bad about it which will have a better ripple effect than when you do feel bad about it.

Now, there’s two common things I see come up when it’s suggested that people start where they are and make smaller changes.

Impatience and self-judgement.

Most people want to change fast. They want their eating to be different right now. They want to stop binge eating now. They want to lose weight and be at their goal weight now. They don’t want to wait.

But if they try to make those big changes, they likely won’t see changes at all.

I’ve seen it so many times. They do well for a few days and then don’t do well for a few days and it becomes a cycle.

So no changes are sustained.

The hurried approach isn’t working for them.

What could work better is the slower, consistent approach.

I see this being especially hard when people are wanting to lose weight but are still binge eating.

They try to eat the perfectly healthy diet but after a few days are dying for joy food. Then they end up bingeing on joy food, partly because they’ve promised themselves that they’ll go back to healthy eating tomorrow. And tomorrow, because they’re so down on themselves about what happened the day before, they quit on themselves and over-indulge, maybe even binge again.

They think that if they just power through and eat the healthy diet until they reach their goal that then they can eat joy foods. But they never get there because they keep bingeing on the foods they haven’t been allowing.

But when they’re not in such a hurry, they’ll be more willing to incorporate more of those foods that could slow down weight loss more than completely cutting them out but slow and steady will actually get them to their goal faster than going through that restrict/binge cycle.

Rather than cutting out all the foods, they start where they are, eating as much as they have been but with intention, meaning they’re not just mindlessly picking and grazing but are being more mindful about what they choose to eat and how much. And they take small steps from there when they’re ready.

So I totally get it if you want changes to happen fast but, you have to be honest with yourself about what has happened in the past when you’ve tried that. And make sure you’re telling yourself the whole story, not just the part where you’re doing well and doing the thing. Did it last? Did you get to your ultimate goal? Was it fairly easy to sustain? If it’s not working then you need to do something different.

Then the other thing that can come up – self-judgement.

You used to eat differently. You used to eat exactly how you wanted, didn’t binge, and ate joy foods in moderation. Maybe you even lost weight fairly easily and also maintained it fairly easily. Maybe you used to exercise 5 days a week for an hour fairly easily.

But now, you don’t. It’s hard. You haven’t been able to be consistent.

And you get mad at yourself, or disappointed, or ashamed.

You judge yourself for not being how you used to be. You might even call yourself things like lazy, pathetic, a loser, a failure, things like that.

Or you think you should be further along than you are. You judge yourself for being where you are in the process, for being at the place where your goal is intentionally eating 5 joy foods rather than one.

And none of this is useful in any way. It just makes you feel bad about yourself.

And when you feel bad about yourself, it’s going to make it harder for you to behave in a positive way and do the things you want to be doing.

Ever notice that when you feel good emotionally that it’s easier to do the things and behave how you want to? It’s likely that the opposite also happens – that when you don’t feel good emotionally that it’s harder to do the things and behave how you want to.

So stop making it harder for yourself and instead of judging yourself for being how you are now and where you are now, accept how and where you are now.

Yes you used to do more, yes it used to be easier for you, but this is where you’re at now.

Yes it would be great if you were further along in the process but this is where you are now.

Instead of thinking you should be like how you used to be right now, and thinking you should be farther along, allow yourself to be how and where you are right now.

One of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re in this place is to accept what is because it will put you in more of an emotionally neutral space.

And again, it’s going to be so much easier to do the things you want to do when you’re in a neutral emotional space rather than when you’re feeling negatively.

So, accept where you are, practice patience, and make your goals small and doable.

Set realistic goals, ones that you don’t feel resistance to doing, that don’t seem very hard, and even goals that don’t seem like enough but actually are because they’re different than what you’ve been doing.

If you’re doing something that’s better than you’ve been doing, it counts and it matters and it will make a difference.

Because, you’re making a change. And after that change becomes more natural and takes less conscious effort, you’ll move on to the next one, and the next one and you’ll build confidence and trust in yourself along the way, looking at all the small goals you’ve achieved and all that you’ve done. You’ll feel good about yourself, which again, will make it easier to keep going and keep progressing.

So make it easier on yourself. Meet yourself where you are. Start where you are.

Small steps will get you to where you want to be.

Alright, so today, and every day, make your goal something that will be fairly easy for you to achieve, and be proud of yourself when you do. It will make a difference. Bye bye.