Ep #378: What You’re Really Hungry For

Hi! Let’s talk about hunger.

For so many people who binge eat, they’ve not only lost touch with their hunger signals but, they also confuse physical hunger and emotional/mental hunger.

They’ve lost touch with what it feels like to actually be physically hungry because they’ve been ignoring their hunger signals for so long or because they don’t let themselves get physically hungry, they eat before it shows up.

They might ignore their hunger because they are trying to lose weight and think they can’t eat every time they’re hungry and lose weight.

They might not let themselves get hungry because they don’t want to feel the discomfort of hunger or are just eating for pleasure, or to escape emotions when they’re not hungry too often.

Because they’ve become so disconnected with their body’s signals, they start to think that their mental/emotional hunger is actually physical hunger.

So many times, they might say that they’re hungry, thinking they’re actually physically hungry, but really, they’re just thinking about eating and are wanting to eat.

So they say they’re hungry when really, their body isn’t signaling to them that it’s hungry.

But they don’t even realize that.

There’s been so many times that I’ve been working with someone, and they tell me they were hungry, and I ask them, “Were you physically hungry or did you just want to eat?” And they didn’t realize until I asked them that question that they actually weren’t physically hungry.

And it’s important that you’re recognizing which kind of hunger you’re experiencing because if you don’t know, then it can be hard to decide if you should eat or not and also, you could end up eating and not feel satisfied.

So often people are just wanting to eat, and they don’t even have anything specific in mind. They just want to eat something. So they do, and they don’t feel satisfied, so they eat something else, and are still not satisfied, and they could keep eating different foods, to the point where they feel very full, and the satisfaction still isn’t there.

And it’s because food wasn’t even really what they were hungry for, and in this case the hunger I’m referring to is actually a desire. They were hungry for something and although their mental/emotional hunger was showing up as a hunger for food, that’s not really what they were desiring.

They’ve just made an association between food and whatever it is they were wanting, even if food doesn’t actually satisfy that want. They think it will, but it won’t.

Now, I want to be clear that I’m not saying that if you’re not physically hungry then anytime you’re feeling that mental/emotional hunger that it’s never for food. Sometimes it is.

Sometimes you’re desiring something very specific and that is really what you’re mentally/emotionally hungry for. And if you eat that food then you can feel satisfied because you got what you were specifically wanting.

But, when you’re not really desiring food, but you’re urging for food, and you’re not physically hungry, whether you’re wanting something specific or not, but more likely when you don’t even know but you’re just wanting something, it’s very likely that there is an underlying need for you that isn’t being met.

And food isn’t the need.

It could be a need for connection or for comfort or for enjoyment and fun or stimulation. It could be a need to be heard or seen. It could be a need for relaxation and rest or quiet time. It could be a need for self-care. It could be a need for decompression and to calm your nervous system.

It could be so many things.

But if you’re just assuming that food is the need then you’re not going to actually uncover the true need if there is something besides food.

Obviously if you’re physically hungry, the need is fuel for your body. You’re legit physically hungry for food. So please eat.

And if you’re craving something specific, then you’re mentally/emotionally hungry for that food. If you can’t think of a reason you like for not eating it, then go for it.

But other times, when you’re not feeling satisfied after eating, or are urging for food when you’re not hungry and have no idea what you’re even wanting to eat, or when you’re urging for multiple foods at one time, that would be a great time to explore what’s going on with you.

What are you really hungry for? What are you really wanting or needing in this moment?

Something that many people who binge eat aren’t doing enough of from my experience is self-exploration.

They notice the desire to eat and then just eat.

They don’t often enough take a moment to explore what’s going on with them.

Now, as I talked about a moment ago, that desire to eat isn’t always an unmet need and there isn’t always a deeper reason behind the desire.

Sometimes you just want a cookie for pleasure and that’s all it is. It’s nothing more than that.

But, if you’re someone who tends to eat anytime you’re wanting to eat, thinking that you’re just hungry, it wouldn’t hurt to just take a moment to question that desire.

Are you really just wanting to eat that cookie for pleasure or is there something else going on here?

And especially if you eat it and don’t feel satisfied, that would be a great time to ask yourself what you’re wanting that that cookie didn’t satisfy.

So really, just anytime you’re wanting to eat, it would be helpful to first determine whether or not you’re physically hungry or are just wanting to eat, first and foremost.

Then, if you’re just wanting to eat, take a moment to ask yourself what you’re wanting and why. And no judgement, just curiosity.

And speaking of judgement, if you are physically hungry and your hunger is for fuel, you’re also going to determine what you’re wanting for food and you’re not going to judge what you’re wanting.

I see it all the time. Someone is hungry, they want something that they tell themselves is bad or unhealthy and they not only don’t even entertain the option of eating that food and just shut it down with an immediate no, you can’t eat that, but they might also feel guilty about even wanting that. Their desire isn’t being acknowledged or validated, and that doesn’t feel good.

If you’re physically hungry, and are hungry for something specific that wouldn’t be considered healthy, don’t just shut it down and tell yourself no. Don’t deny yourself of it every time because that’s too restrictive and is what will lead you to eventually urging to binge on those foods, or similar foods. And don’t shut the option down just because you ate something unhealthy earlier in the day or yesterday or a few days ago. Again, it just doesn’t feel good to constantly do that to yourself.

It’s okay to consider the option. And it will be better for you if you do.

And notice that I didn’t say to just eat it if that’s what you’re wanting. I said to consider it as an option.

That option is option one, now what else might be a good option? What else might be a satisfying option for you?

Take a moment to consider what your options are, what sounds appealing to you, and how you think you’ll feel if you eat each option. Also, is there a way to get the unhealthy food in a smaller portion and add in something that you think is healthier, so you get what you want as far as the food but also something nutritious in addition? Explore your options for how you can get what you’re wanting the most.

Now, I totally understand the concern about eating unhealthy stuff twice in one day or two days in a row. But here’s something else that’s important to consider.

If you’ve seen yourself previously say no to what you’re wanting, then feel unsatisfied, then go and eat more food afterward to try and get the satisfaction, so you end up eating way more than you would have had you just gotten the unhealthy food in the first place, then it is very likely that you would be so much better off just getting the unhealthy food to begin with.

You’re better off eating the less healthy option in a moderate amount than to eat what is basically another meal, or more, after you forced yourself to choose the healthy option that wasn’t satisfying.

Eat what you’re hungry for. And know that if you think you won’t feel good eating it, you have the option of eating a smaller portion and adding in something that will help you to feel good.

So in general, take a moment to consider what you’re hungry for, without judgement. And if you do realize that food isn’t really what you’re hungry for, that there is a need or want that you’re associating with eating food, then it would be most beneficial to explore how you can meet that need or want rather than just going to the food, and actually doing the different thing that’s not eating food.

Because if you never take the time to determine what you’re really hungry for, and what those needs and wants actually are, and don’t practice meeting them in a fulfilling and resolving way, then you’re going to keep finding yourself urging to eat when that need or want is there.

So start spending just a minute with yourself investigating what’s going on.

And don’t just settle with “I don’t know” as an answer and then go to food.

Write about your hunger, talk to someone else about it, talk to yourself about it, do talk-to-text or a voice memo for yourself, basically just get your thoughts out of your head because that’s going to be a really helpful way for you to sort out your desire, your need or want, and to uncover and understand it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been coaching someone, and they begin talking, having no idea what they’re thinking, what they’re wanting, or what’s going on with them but as they keep talking, it reveals itself.

Give yourself just a little bit of time to get to the reveal.

Even just a minute, at least.

So are you physically hungry or are you just wanting to eat? And then, what are you really hungry for? That’s a question you’re going to ask yourself more often.

It’s not always going to be the same answer, and that’s okay.

You can take a minute to figure it out.

Alright, do more questioning of your hunger this week, explore what you’re really wanting and, I’ll talk to you next time. Bye bye.