Ep #182: Being Committed vs Being Interested

Hi! How are you? I’m good. Feeling good. And I’m ready to talk to you all about being committed and being interested.

If you are going to stop binge eating, you have to be committed to the process because committing and being consistent is what will create change and create habits.

When you feel an urge, you have to be committed to allowing it and feeling it all the way through if you’re going to not binge. Commit to doing this every time you feel an urge and you will not binge ever again.

What it means to commit is that you follow through, no matter what. You do what you set out to do and there is no changing your mind or putting it off until next time.

A problem I see happen with some people though is that they aren’t actually committed. They’re interested.

When you’re interested, you’re curious and learning. You’re thinking about doing something, thinking about what it would be like, thinking about whether you want to do it or not, researching about it, asking about it, discussing it.

But when the time comes to actually do it, if you’re only interested in it, and not committed, will you do it?

If you feel like it or if it’s easy, probably.

If you anticipate that it’s going to be challenging, or if you’re not feeling good, then probably not.

The thing about binge eating is that in the moments where your work matters in the most, most of the time you’re not feeling good and what’s ahead of you will be a challenge.

Urges don’t feel good. Allowing an urge is challenging.

Are you interested in what it would be like to feel through that urge or are you committed to feeling through that urge?

Without commitment, you’re just considering it, thinking about it, and are curious about it.

You’re not actually taking action on it, at least not enough action to create a new habit or to get you the outcome you’re ultimately wanting.

Think about when you’re wanting the outcome of a relationship with a certain person.

You start off interested in them. You want to learn more about them. You’re curious about who they are. You’re interested in seeing what it’s like to spend time with them.

Then, when you’re ready for the outcome of a relationship, you commit. You’re no longer interested in what it would be like to be in a relationship with them, you’re committing to being in one. The decision is made and you’re in it.

Now that you’re committed, there’s no “only being in it sometimes.” There’s no, only being in the relationship when you feel like it. You’re in it. You’re following through on being in a relationship.

All because you want the outcome of being in a relationship with this person.

Interested isn’t committed. But it can lead to commitment.

So when it comes to allowing urges instead of eating, are you interested in doing it or are you committed?

Also, do you want to be committed? I think that’s an important question for you to ask yourself because some of you might not want to.

You might not want to commit to feeling through your urges, and here’s one reason why.

You’re afraid.

You’re afraid of what it would be like to feel an urge without eating to make it go away.

You’re afraid of what your life would be like and what you would do and think and feel if you didn’t binge.

You’re afraid you’ll fail.

You’re afraid it’s going to be too much work.

So much fear is stopping you from wanting to commit.

So many thoughts about what it would be like to commit are stopping you from even wanting to commit.

If you’re not wanting to commit, ask yourself what you’re afraid will happen if you do?

Or maybe you don’t see it as fear, maybe your emotion is more like worry or concern. Either way, what is it that you are scared, worried, or concerned about happening?

Another reason you might not want to commit is that you don’t believe it will be worth it.

You don’t believe you’ll get what you want if you do commit.

You don’t believe that your life will improve if you do commit.

You might think that you’ll feel through your urge and your life will be the same. You won’t feel better.

You might think that you’ll stop binge eating and your life will be the same.

Now here’s the thing, that may be true. Not giving in to an urge and stopping binge eating doesn’t just magically improve your life.

But, giving in to urges and binge eating sure doesn’t improve your life. If anything, it’s just adding more problems and more negative feelings and physical feelings that are stopping you from enjoying your life.

If you don’t give in to your urges and you don’t binge, you have one less thing to deal with. So now, you can use your energy and time that you’re not spending on binge eating and the effects of it on the other things you want to improve in your life.

Most likely, binge eating is a way for you to avoid dealing with what you don’t like in your life. Instead of facing your thoughts, feelings, and circumstances, you eat to distract yourself from them. Then when you finish eating, they’re still there and now you don’t have the energy to do anything about them. So they hang out in the background and when you are aware of them again, you repeat the cycle.

Committing to stopping binge eating will remove a big obstacle that’s standing in the way of you changing the rest of your life that you want to change.

And this is why I think coaching is such a useful method for stopping binge eating. As you learn to stop binge eating, all the tools and concepts you use you can then apply to the rest of your life.

I hear it from my group members in the Stop Binge Eating Program time and time again how they start using what they’re learning with their eating in other areas and so much of their life changes and improves. Their relationships, their work life, themselves and how they show up in the world. It’s really amazing to see.

So if you’re not wanting to commit it’s due to fear of what committing would be like or not believing it would be worth it, or maybe both.

Then there’s those of you that want to commit but you’re not.

If that’s you, here’s the main things that could be stopping you from doing it.

Your reason for doing it isn’t compelling or important enough.

You don’t believe you can.

You forget.

Your goal isn’t specific enough.

So let me going through each of those one by one.

If your reason for committing isn’t compelling or important enough, it’s too easy for you to not do it.

If you knew you were going to die if you put one piece of food in your mouth when you were feeling that urge, that would probably be compelling enough for you to stop. If you’re telling yourself it won’t really matter, then there’s nothing compelling you to do this challenging thing that doesn’t feel good.

Your reason for making the commitment has to be compelling so you’ll do it even when you don’t feel like it.

If you’re someone who has ever worked out when you didn’t feel like it, you’ve seen yourself go through this. You come up with some reason that is compelling enough for you to work out. It might be that you committed to someone else, that you’ll feel better if you do, there was something you were thinking about that made you commit to doing it.

Find what that is for you with urges and binge eating.

What will happen if you give in and eat? What will happen if you don’t? Why it is important for you to not give in to your urges?

Make sure your reasons are important to you.

Then there’s your belief in yourself. If you don’t believe you can not give in to an urge or stop binge eating then you’re not going to put in the effort to do it. When you believe you can, you will, especially if your reason for doing it is compelling and important.

So if you’re not believing you can not give in to an urge, it’s because either you don’t know how, which you can learn, I’ve seen plenty of people learn how to in The Stop Binge Eating Program, or you’re thinking defeatedly about yourself.

What I mean by that is that you’re giving yourself reasons why you can’t do it based on what you’ve done or haven’t done in the past or based on negative BS you think about yourself.

There’s something about your eating past that is making you think that you aren’t capable of not bingeing in the future and it’s not true. Your past will be different from your future because you are going to do and think different things. You are going to handle your urges differently than you have in the past.

There’s something about you that’s making you think you aren’t capable of not bingeing in the future and it’s not true. Whatever negative thing you’re thinking about yourself is your opinion and not a fact. When you change your opinion of yourself, your behaviors will change and that’s why self-talk is so important. It will determine how you feel and what you do and don’t do.

The next one is that you forget. You forget what you’ve committed to. This one has a simple solution. Create reminders. Don’t rely on your brain to remember. Post reminders in places where you typically feel urges. Have reminders pop up on your phone. Schedule in time to purposefully remind yourself.

There are so many things in your life that you could forget to do but you don’t. How do you make sure you don’t forget? You create some kind of reminder. Do that for what you’re committing to here.

Lastly, there’s not having a specific enough goal. If you’re going to commit, what exactly are you committing to?

An example here is allowing urges. You’re committing to allowing urges but, how many are you committing to allowing? When are you committed to allowing them? And what exactly are you committing to in order to allow them?

Just like with stopping binge eating, allowing urges isn’t usually as simple as just doing it. There are layers, steps to it.

If you’re going to allow an urge, you’ll have to acknowledge that you’re feeling it, accept that you’re feeling it, choose to feel it, and think useful thoughts while feeling it.

When you know exactly what you’re committing to, you can purposefully commit to each component of the full commitment.

Going back to the relationship example, you’re not just committing to being in a relationship, you’re committing to so much more – monogamy, assuming your relationship is monogamous, honesty, communicating, trusting, loving, spending time together, and whatever else.

Consider marriage. There are vows for a reasons. You’re stating what you’re committing to in order to create the full commitment of marriage.

When you’re specific with what you’re committing to, you’ll more easily be able to pinpoint what you need to work on the most. Is it acknowledging your urges? Is it choosing the urge instead of choosing to eat? Is it thinking useful thoughts while you’re feeling the urge?

I have a group member who hasn’t wanted to acknowledge her urges and through coaching we uncovered her reasons for not wanting to and have been working on that so she will be willing to acknowledge it.

Basically what it came down to was that if she acknowledged it then her next steps were doing the work to feel it and she didn’t want to do that work. This is important to know so we can then work on her reasons for not wanting to do the work to feel it.

So if you want to commit to allowing yourself to feel urges all the way through, consistently, so you will stop binge eating, have a compelling reason to do it, believe you can, remind yourself of what your commitment is, and be specific about what you’re committing to.

And one more simple thing you can do to create commitment is using “I am” or “I will” instead of, “I want to.”

It’s declaring that you will do it no matter what, that you are doing it.

It’s not “I’ll do it sometimes,” or when I feel like it or when it’s easy.

Be all in. Even when it’s challenging. Because it’s going to be so worth it when you do.

And one last thing. If you don’t want to be committed, that’s okay. You don’t have to be. But it’s important to look at your reasons for why you are choosing not to be.

If you like your reasons, awesome. Stay interested.

If you don’t like your reasons, then it’s time to work through whatever your reasons are. It’s time to work through your fear or your disbelief.

Being committed is a choice you will make and if you want to see change and improvement, commitment is a necessary component of the process.

Decide to commit and not just once but, again and again.

Commit to your commitment. Don’t change your mind just because it’s hard.

Do it no matter what.

Alright, I’ll talk to you next time, bye bye.