Ep #267: Not Wanting to Risk Being Disappointed Again

Hi! It’s almost time for you to join The Stop Binge Eating Group Coaching Program! Registration for the next round will be opening this Thursday September 14^th of 2023.

Right now I have a group that’s finishing up and let me tell you, these people have made some incredible changes in their eating habits. There are people who are not bingeing at all, who are bingeing significantly less than they used to and are so close to being completely binge-free, people who have a completely different mindset around food, who are eating all their favorite foods without bingeing, without obsessing, without panicking or feeling anxious or feeling guilty, and who just feel so much better about themselves and their bodies.

They’ve put in the work and they’re seeing results and this could be you too. Come let me help you do it.

You’ll be able to register for the program on September 14^th of 2023 by going to coachkir.com/group and once you do, you’ll get immediate access to The Stop Binge Eating Course so you can get started right away before the program officially begins in a few weeks. And I’m also offering a printed workbook bonus for anyone who signs up in the first few days so make sure you don’t miss that because it’s going to be super helpful.

Let’s work on stopping binge eating together, as a team, me and you and as a bonus, you’ll have an amazing community of people who will help you to not feel alone in this and help you in so many other ways as well. The support, camaraderie, and relatability is invaluable as you go through this process and it has been pretty awesome over the years to see how powerful group coaching can be.

So again, go to coachkir.com/group to be a part of this round. And you’ll find lots of info about the program on that page but if you have any questions that aren’t answered there, send an email to info@coachkir.com.

Alright, now onto today’s topic, not wanting to risk being disappointed again.

We all experience disappointment sometimes when we have an expectation that isn’t met.

We hope for something, we think we’re going to get something, or that something is going to happen, or that something is going to happen in a certain way, or that we’ll do something or not do something but then when it doesn’t happen as we thought it would, we feel disappointed.

And it doesn’t feel good.

So sometimes when people have experienced a lot of disappointment, especially in the same area of their life, they decide to no longer risk it.

They don’t try again and don’t do something that could result in them feeling disappointed again.

I saw this happen with a friend of mine recently.

For over a decade they’ve experienced chronic pain and have gone to specialists, doctors, physical therapists, chiropractors, and masseuses to try and help them.

But none have resulted in long-term pain relief, or really much of a decrease in pain.

So one day we were talking about something else they could try and although they saw it as a possible option, they were resistant to making an appointment.

The reason was because they didn’t want to be disappointed again.

They were tired of the disappointment.

They’d had hope with all the things they’d previously tried only to be left with disappointment and they weren’t sure they could handle it again.

This kind of thing also happens with people when they’re dating and keep meeting people who aren’t a good match for them or when their relationships don’t last forever, when they keep interviewing for jobs without getting hired, when they keep asking for help from people and the people don’t follow through, and to relate it to binge eating, when they try different methods, programs, and strategies to stop their binge eating without long-term success.

When we have experiences like this, it can be hard to keep trying new things.

So what people do a lot of the time is keep putting off trying something new or they just don’t try something new.

But, here’s the thing about that.

We of course can’t know if the new thing will be the thing. We can’t know if it will be the solution, if it will be the right thing, if it will work this time, or if this is the right time.

But there is one thing we do know.

If you don’t do something different, then your results won’t be different.

If you don’t do something new, or do what you’ve been doing in a new way, or think in a new way, or act in a new way, then you won’t get new results.

You’ll just continue to get the same ones.

If you don’t try something new, you’re not giving yourself the opportunity to get new results.

But if you do try something new, then you are giving yourself the opportunity.

You’re giving yourself a chance to get exactly what you want.

So you gotta stop letting a fear of disappointment stop you.

Be willing to experience disappointment because there is a chance that you might not even feel it. You might feel the exact opposite instead.

And what it is that really stops us from being willing to risk feeling disappointed, is simply an unwillingness to feel, which goes along with so much of what I talk about in this podcast about being willing to feel instead of eat.

Be willing to feel instead of avoiding doing something that could provide you with everything you want.

Now, I want you to really think about this.

What’s so bad about feeling disappointed?

Does it feel crappy? Of course. No one wants to feel it. No one is going to seek it out.

You probably feel a heaviness in your body, your energy gets low, maybe there is an empty feeling in your stomach, it’s just an overall down feeling.

But is it so bad that you’re going to let the possibility of feeling that stop you from getting what you want the most?

My friend was letting the possibility of that crappy feeling stop them from possibly feeling better than they had in years.

People let that feeling stop them from possibly finding the love of their life, getting their dream job, getting the help they need, or stopping binge eating.

And again, yeah it’s a possibility, not a guarantee, we can’t guarantee that the next person you go on a date with will be your person but, again, we can guarantee that if you don’t meet anyone new, or don’t explore a romantic connection with someone you already have met, then you won’t find your person.

This is why it’s risking disappointment. It’s like you’re gambling disappointment.

And when things are extremely important, gamble disappointment. Risk it.

Because really, the worst that will happen is that you’ll feel very down, you’ll feel uncomfortable sensations in your body, and they will be temporary, and you are 100% capable of feeling them.

And I want to talk about that temporary part for a minute.

Some of you experience the disappointment for too long, longer than necessary actually.

And it’s because you’re dwelling on it, making it mean that you’re always going to feel disappointed, that you’ll never get what you want, and you just keep swirling around in your mind with these despair, discouraging, and even more disappointing thoughts.

You’re keeping the disappointment and hopelessness going because of how you’re thinking about the disappointment you’ve experienced and by making your unmet expectation mean that you’ll never meet your expectations.

I see people do this all the time when they binge.

I actually just coached someone in one of my groups recently about this.

She binged, felt disappointed, and then started making it mean that she’ll never be able to stop, that what she’s been doing isn’t working, and she’s not really making progress.

And really, it was all total BS.

So I had her list all that she has progressed with, and there was a lot, and all that is working, and there was a lot.

We also walked through what led up to her binge, figured out why it happened and what she can work on to prevent it from happening again, and it was very doable for her.

By looking at all of this, she was able to shift back into believing that she can stop and believing that she willstop.

And then, she began to feel differently, feel better, and felt more encouraged.

She lifted out of the disappointment.

She changed her perspective of what happened and what she’s capable of and what’s possible and that changed how she felt.

You can feel disappointment for less time if you do the same.

Of course there are going to be times when you feel it because there will be plenty of times when you have expectations that aren’t met, it happens to everyone, but you have the ability stop it from lasting too long.

So not only is disappointment something you can feel, but it’s also temporary and being willing to feel it will also make you willing to risk feeling it, which could actually result in you getting what you want the most.

So whatever it is you want, go for it.

And also, be optimistic. Get your hopes up while also watching your expectations.

You hear people say that they don’t want to get their hopes up because then they’ll feel disappointed or they’ll feel more disappointed.

But here’s the thing. You’ll probably feel disappointed regardless if it doesn’t work out the way you wanted and you have no idea how disappointed you may feel if that does happen. Maybe you would be the same amount of disappointed whether your hopes were up or not.

So what I say is, get your hopes up.

If you don’t, you’re just missing out on feeling hopeful, which feels better than feeling doubtful or pessimistic.

I have a friend who spent the first few months of their relationship waiting for the other shoe to drop. They were waiting for the person they were with to change or for them to break up with them and because they were, they missed out on feeling more happiness and hope.

Personally, I’d rather feel optimistic and hopeful and feel good and feel disappointed when my expectations aren’t met, rather than never feeling those good feelings and still feeling disappointed.

And ya know what, you’re more likely to actually get the result you want when you’re feeling more hopeful than when you’re feeling pessimistic or doubtful.

Because think about how you act when you’re feeling doubtful that something will happen that you want to happen.

You’re less likely to put in your full effort.

But when you feel hopeful, you’re more likely.

I see this happen with people who are working on stopping binge eating.

They expect themselves to binge again and they do.

They were feeling doubtful that they’d be able to stop bingeing so they stopped putting in their full effort to do what they needed to do in order to prevent themselves from feeling urges and then if they they did feel an urge, or even a desire to binge, they did nothing to stop it from happening.

But when they have hope for themselves, they do put in effort and not just effort if they’re feeling an urge but effort to try and prevent an urge from even happening.

Hope can drive actions that will produce better results than doubt will.

So get your hopes up but as I said, at the same time, manage your expectations.

Notice when you’re expecting fast results, or easy results, and dial it back.

Bring yourself to realistic expectations. Be realistic about where you are and all that you have to work on.

And no matter where you are in the process, accept it and when you think about the future, expect small changes, expect it to take effort, and choose to do what is doable so you can keep your hopes up and keep feeling good or at least okay.

And if along the way, if during the process you feel disappointed, you’ll be okay, you can feel it, it’s just temporary discomfort, it will pass, and it will pass more quickly if you don’t dwell on it or make it mean that you’ll never be able to be successful.

Keep going. Try again. Try differently. Try something new.

Risk feeling disappointed.

Because when it finally does work out, when your expectations finally are met, it’s going to be amazing and you’ll be so glad you took the risk.

And if you’re someone who has been resistant to signing up for The Stop Binge Eating Program, notice if this is your reason why. This is for sure a common reason why people don’t sign up even though they want to. They’re afraid of feeling disappointed again.

Be more afraid of not trying.

Give yourself the opportunity to succeed.

And again, if you have any questions or concerns about the program, email them to info@coachkir.com. I don’t want anyone to let this fear of disappointment hold them back if it’s what they want to do.

Let me help you overcome this fear so you can open yourself up to this opportunity.

And if you are ready to do it, again, registration is opening this Thursday September 14^th of 2023 and you can sign up at coachkir.com/goup.

Alright, be willing to feel whatever it is you imagine you’ll feel, and I’ll talk to you next time. Bye bye!