Ep #132: Your Lovability and Your Body

Hi! How are you doing? I really wish I could hear your answer because I really want to know! I’m good, I’m having a great day and enjoying being inside on this freezing cold New Hampshire day.

Now, like I said in the last episode, I wanted to talk more in depth about some of the topics that were discussed on my coaching call with Tammy that I posted a couple weeks ago.

Last week I talked about your identity as someone who binges and your future identity as someone who doesn’t binge.

Today we’re talking about your lovability and your body.

This is not something that was relevant only to Tammy. I see this come up all the time in my coaching groups and I know I struggled with it too so it’s time I address it here on the podcast.

I’ll be talking about lovability with all kinds of love – family love, romantic love, friend love, all of it.

But most of the attention of this topic will be on romantic love because I feel like that’s the most common one that people deal with when they’re associating their body with their lovability.

I struggled with my weight for many years of my life and I remember thinking that if I wanted to get a boyfriend I had to lose weight because, a guy I would want wouldn’t want to date someone who is my size.

I’d also say that I wouldn’t want to date someone who wanted me at that size I was at because I’d want him to have higher standards.

What’s so interesting to me as I look back was that I was putting so much value on my body size and shape.

I had a good amount of confidence in myself, my personality, I wasn’t so much concerned about a man not liking me for me but I was concerned about a man and his thoughts and preferences regarding my body.

When I finally did lose weight and get to my ideal body size, it wasn’t fully motivated by a desire to be more attractive but I’d be lying if I said that thought wasn’t in my mind.

It was like a secondary or tertiary reason. By the way, did you all know that word? Tertiary? I didn’t and I’m sure most of you didn’t either. I was looking up what comes after secondary, like a third reason and that’s it. A little vocab lesson for you. You’re welcome.

Anyway! We have it in our minds that if we want a good mate, a good romantic partner, then we have to look a certain way.

That we will only find love if we have a certain body type or shape.

This obviously goes back to what society has taught us and what we see in the media, no doubt.

But you may have also seen it to be true in your own life which can make this so much harder to work through.

I have for sure.

When I lost my 40 lbs my sophomore year in college, I noticed a difference in the attention I received from men.

Later in my adult life, I remember a co-worker of mine, who I had known for like a year, suddenly becoming interested in me after I lost some weight. He told me there was something different about me.

I’ve been overweight, borderline overweight, at my ideal weight, and all the weights in between and I’ve seen how men have responded to me in all those instances.

But, were their responses because of my body? Because of me? Or because of them?

Most of you think it’s your body. You think your body is the determining factor in whether or not you’re single, in a relationship, married, and overall, whether or not you’re loved.

You may think your relationship or marriage is lacking love and you blame your weight for it. You may think your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore or if they say they are you think they’re lying.

You’re thinking they can’t love you if you’re at the size you are and in the body you have.

You’re determining your lovability by your weight.

But is that all there is? Your weight? That’s all that matters when it comes to loving you?

What about the rest of you? Is that all secondary? Do you really believe that everyone in this world determines whether or not they love someone based on their body size and shape?

Now, maybe there are some people who do. For some people, that may be their number one most important quality when it comes to loving someone.

But let’s be real here. Do you want to be with a person like that? Who’s main focus is your body? For whom the number one important thing when they’re looking for a romantic partner is the other person’s body?

Like I said before, I used to think that a guy I would want wouldn’t want to date someone who was my size or that I wouldn’t want to date someone who wanted me at that I was at size because I’d want him to have higher standards.

But you know what I think now? I want to be with a guy who doesn’t care about my size nearly as much as he cares about who I am as a person. I want them to base their standards for themselves on way more than my body.

And that’s what I have now by the way, someone who cares more about me than my body size. They exist people!

Now, I get that attraction is part of romantic relationships but what you’re forgetting is that #1 not everyone cares about body size and #2 not everyone wants the same body size.

A woman you look up to for having the perfect body, a man may look at and think she’s too skinny. There are guys out there who want average sized women, plus sized women or simply just a woman who is loyal, fun, thoughtful, and loving.

The problem here is that you’re projecting your thoughts about what it means to be lovable onto other people.

You’re assuming you know what other people think when you really have no idea.

You might be thinking like I was, that the guy you want won’t love you because of your body but how do you now that?

Or that you don’t want a man that would love your body as it is now, and why not? Those amazing men that would are deep and would see you for who you are, not just the body you live in.

So if you want to be loved in this body you have now, and to stop waiting to accept love or to look for love until you’re thinner, then you have to make a shift in how you think about what it means to be lovable.

You need to stop thinking that your body is stopping you from being loved. It’s not, you are.

There are plenty of overweight people in this world who are loved on friendship, family, and romantic levels.

I’m going to assume that there are people in your life, or at least one person in your life, that are overweight who you love.

You’re loving them even though they’re overweight. How can that be if bodies determine lovability?

Do you know overweight people who are in romantic relationships and are in love? Married, in love overweight people? Overweight people who are in love in relationships? How can that be if weight determines lovability?

You are not the special case, the one person who is overweight or not at their ideal weight and is unlovable because of it.

You are 100% lovable because you are a human and all humans are lovable. We all have the ability to feel love. We all have the ability to feel loved. And if someone does or does not feels love toward you, it’s because of them, not you.

It’s because of their thoughts, not because of your body.

Different people love different people. Different people hate different people. Love or hate is not based on the person who is the object of the feeling, it’s based on the thoughts the person feeling is thinking.

Two woman have been married to the same man. The current wife loves him and the ex wife hates him. Same man, different feeling felt by the women.

The man is 100% lovable, but the women determine whether they feel love for him or not.

Two people are watching a movie and one person loves the lead actor while the other person can’t stand them. Same person, different thoughts and feelings in the people watching.

The actor is 100% lovable, but the people watching determine whether they feel love for them or not.

Any most likely, it has nothing to do with their weight.

How many times have you not liked an actor in a show or movie you watched because they were too fat in your mind?

That has never happened to me that I can remember. Never.

If anything, I appreciate seeing them on the screen!

Do you watch This Is Us? If not, get on it. It’s so good.

One of the lead actresses, Chrissy Metz, is overweight, and I love her. I love her character and I love her in interviews that I’ve seen when she’s just being her.

Her body doesn’t determine whether or not I love her, my thoughts about her do.

She’s 100% lovable, just there being human and available to be loved and I determine my thoughts and feelings about her.

If I hated her it wouldn’t mean she’s any less lovable, it would just mean that I’d be thinking hateful thoughts about her and that’s on me.

But I never would because I just love her so much.

Now, let’s talk about what happens when you’re in this larger body, thinking you’re unlovable.

When you think you’re unlovable, how do you feel and how do you show up in the world?

Most likely you feel bad about yourself, your self-esteem may be low, your confidence may be low, you may be feel inadequate.

How do you act when you’re feeling those ways?

Not as your best self. You act small, you’re quiet, you hold back, you don’t show up as your amazing self that you are.

You don’t give people a chance to love you for who you really are when you don’t show up as who you really are.

There you are blaming your body for you not finding love but it’s most likely you not showing up in a confident, self-assured way that’s stopping you.

You’re stopping you, not your body.

Have you ever met someone who wasn’t that attractive and then you got to know them, you thought their personality was awesome, and you then started finding them to be more attractive? I definitely have.

Attractiveness isn’t just what you physically see, it’s also in who you show up as and who you are as a person.

But you’re stopping people from seeing that when you’re thinking you’re unlovable and then shutting yourself off from being loved.

You have to see that you are lovable, that you have the ability to be loved, no matter what your body looks like because you are awesome on the inside and that’s what’s the most attractive.

On the flip side of what I said before, have you ever met someone who was hot, like, you had a hard getting your thoughts straight when you were talking to them because they were so hot. Or if you haven’t have you ever seen a celebrity that is ridiculously, hot. But then they were a huge douche bag or racist or treated someone poorly and you didn’t find them to be as hot anymore?

Who you are matters when it comes to attractiveness.

So start showing up as you no matter what your body looks like.

Stop waiting for your body to change so you can change. Change you, in your mind, now.

Society may tell you that you have to be thin to be lovable but it’s time you start telling yourself the truth. That society’s beliefs aren’t what you want to believe and society’s beliefs aren’t facts.

Your lovability has nothing to do with your weight.

Your friends and your family can love you no matter what your size.

A lover, a partner, can love you no matter what your size.

Whether they love you or not depends on their thoughts, not your body. And if their determining factor is the size of your body do you want to be with them anyway?

Do you only love people who are thin? I doubt it. But if you do, I’d question that. If the person of your dreams came into your life and they had everything you want in a person and they had an attractive face but not the body size or type you want them to have, would you date them? And why?

Okay, so now, this is your work, it’s increasing your ability to love yourself. To find yourself lovable and choose to love yourself.

When you truly love yourself you won’t question your lovability. If you can love yourself then you’ll see that anyone can. And, you’ll question why the heck someone would choose to not love you.

That’s how I feel. There is someone in my life who was a really good friend for awhile and then stopped wanting to hang out with me. I have ideas, my assumptions why, we haven’t actually had a conversation about it, but none of my assumptions have anything to do with me mistreating her, but they’re all about her thoughts about me and how she feels when she thinks about me.

I don’t think about her not wanting to hang out with me and make it mean I’m not lovable. Instead, I’m like, “How could she not want to hang out with me? I’m awesome! I love me, why the heck doesn’t she?”

I know I’m lovable and if she chooses to not love me then that’s on her and that’s okay.

So I want you to think about why you are lovable. What is there to love about you? Remember, saying, “I don’t know” is unacceptable. Pick at least one thing but try to take some time to make a whole list.

There’s so much more to love about you besides your body. Before you can show other people what it all is you have to show yourself.

You don’t have to change your body to be more lovable, you’re already as lovable as you can be.

But change your mind and how you think about yourself and then see how much more love the people around you feel when they think about you because they’re getting to see the real you.

I already love you so much and I don’t even know most of you. It doesn’t matter though. I love you for showing up for yourself and listening to this podcast and improving yourself and not giving up on yourself. I love people like that and you’re that kind of person.

I love you because I know there is so much goodness in you whether you express it or not.

So you go love you too and we’ll love you together.

Have a wonderful week feeling so much love for yourself and I’ll talk to you next time.

Bye bye!