Ep #130: Coaching Call with Tammy – Fear, Lovability, Worthiness

Hi! Today I’m sharing with you a piece of a coaching call I had with one of my groups.

I coached Tammy and she brought up some topics that I know a lot of other people struggle with so I had to share it with you all.

It starts with her being fearful about stopping binge eating and who she will become. It really is an identity shift and a big change in who you are as a person and how you live your life.

Then we go into her concerns about being unlovable because of her weight and also her worthiness and self-worth.

There’s so much good stuff packed into this episode and I hope you find it to be useful as you are becoming a person who doesn’t binge.

So here it is, me and Tammy coaching.

Enjoy!

Kirstin: All right. What would you like coaching on?

Tammy: Well, I feel like I am all over the place. I’m an all or nothing type personality and always have been, and I am either super motivated or I crash and burn and binge like crazy. And that’s kind of been my pattern well throughout my whole life, and even as I’ve started this. And so I did a thought download this morning on that, and it struck me, I think, I’m afraid to let go of binge eating. And I know it sounds so crazy and it… I just am afraid to stop, and I feel like it’s what I know. And when I do really well for a period of time, short period of time, and then, let myself give into the urge, it’s almost like, “This feels good because this is what I know.” Even though I know all the negative that is with it. And I even feel like I know who I am as a binge eater, but it’s been so long since I’ve not binged, I don’t know who I am not binging, and that kind of scares me too.

Kirstin: Well, who do you want to be?

Tammy: Well, I want to be, number one, someone who doesn’t binge eat. I want to be someone who’s healthy and confident and normal. That’s not someone who’s not constantly thinking about food, whether it’s, “What can I binge on next?” Or, “This is my food plan, I better write it down, track everything.” I just don’t want food to be such a big part of my life.

Kirstin: What would you like to be a part of your life that’s not?

Tammy: Number one, probably, just confidence. Confidence to get out there and engage in life. I mentioned that as part of my goals, for the program. I stand on the sidelines a lot and I have small grandchildren, so I quickly offer to babysit, while the others are out doing something. And I want to be someone who participates.

Kirstin: So that’s what life without bingeing looks like for you. It’s being healthy and confident and normal, and participating and engaging in life.

Tammy: What I’m struggling with is, why isn’t that compelling enough for me to say, “Let go of the binge. Stop the bingeing. Don’t be afraid of it.” It seems… I feel like my reasons are very compelling on good days, when I’m really motivated, but the binge soon takes over those compelling reasons, when I just want to go back to that comfort.

Kirstin: Well, tell me why you are afraid to stop.

Tammy: I guess it’s who I’ve been for so many years. It’s what I know. It’s what people expect. They know who I am as a binge eater, because it’s been my whole adult life. I don’t know, if I’m just afraid to see what else is out there. I don’t think I’m afraid of the work that it’s going to take to get there, I’ve done it before. I think I’m afraid of what that person looks like, maybe, what the expectations of that person is going to be.

Kirstin: Yeah. Tell me worst case scenario. You stop bingeing, what is the worst thing that will happen?

Tammy: Well, I won’t have free rein at all the foods that I love to binge on, I guess, would be the worst thing. I would have to rein in the portions and things like that. So if that’s the worst thing, then that’s not very bad.

Kirstin: Yeah. And what else? Okay, so you’re not able to just have free rein, you rein in the portions, what about you as a person? Worst case scenario, you stop bingeing, then what happens to you in your life?

Tammy: Well, I guess, I’d have to probably, like Anne talked about, being a little more vulnerable and face those feelings that I’m using the bingeing to cover up. Maybe, have to be more willing to, yeah, share what I’m going through, share what’s on my mind, what’s bothering me instead of stuffing it down, literally and figuratively, I guess.

Kirstin: Yeah. And I think what’s so scary about a lot of this, about the feelings and sharing all that stuff, is that you just don’t know how to do it yet. I haven’t taught you that yet. It’s coming.

Tammy: Okay.

Kirstin: In two days, it’s coming.

Tammy: Great, if can hang on for two days.

Kirstin: If you can hang on for two days, because what I’m giving you guys this Friday, you’ll be getting the feelings month. So you’ll be getting all of the tools for how to face your feelings and how to go through that. So we’re going to take a deep dive into all of that. So when you think, “I’m going to learn how to face my feelings and I’m going to learn how to share what’s on my mind and share what’s bothering me.” How do you feel when you think that that’s coming, you’re going to learn it?

Tammy: Well, it’s a little scary, because I am not one that would tend to do that, but it also is hopeful, that I will have some tools to teach me how to do that, so I don’t have to turn to the bingeing. I just so want the feelings that go along with binging, and I’m talking about they’re negative, but they’re positive, you know?

Kirstin: Yep. In the beginning. The beginning stuff, right?

Tammy: Yes, in the beginning, because it feels so comfortable. I need to find a different place of comfort, and maybe that’s being willing to be open and sharing what’s going on.

Kirstin: Yeah. It’s really being more comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s that discomfort becomes more comfortable. It might be scary to think, “Oh, I got to face my feeling. What’s that going to be like?” Because we’ve always stories about what our feelings mean and what they are and all of this, and they’re really not as bad as we make them out to be. They’re really not. And the comfort that you get from eating the food, can you describe what that’s like?

Tammy: It just feels… kind of just a sense of relief. Like, “Ah, I’m back to the place I know. The place of a friend who doesn’t talk back, doesn’t judge, doesn’t…” It’s just there.

Kirstin: Yeah. But then, what does that friend do to you a little bit later?

Tammy: Yeah, well, then she stabs me in the back.

Kirstin: Right. You have to be very transparent that with this friend that we… this binge eating friends. Yeah, everything is great at first, but then the longer you hang out with her, it’s like, “Oh, I actually don’t like you.” You’re so excited to see her, because you’re remembering all the good times. But the longer you hang out with her, you’re like, “Oh, now I remember why I don’t like spending time with you.”

Tammy: Right. But it’s been so many years. I hit my lifetime in Weight Watchers when I was 15, well, I’m 57, so-

Kirstin: Yeah, so now we have to stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about how you have been, and start thinking about who you’re going to become.

Tammy: Right. And in my thought download, I got to the point where I could turn it around to trying to embrace that, who the new person is going to be-

Kirstin: Yeah. This confident-

Tammy: … even though it is scary.

Kirstin: … healthy, normal person. It’s just scary… It’s scary because you don’t know it yet. And it’s scary because you’re thinking that it’s going to be bad. We don’t know the future. We don’t know what a healthy, confident, normal, participatory, Tammy is going to look like. We don’t know what that’s going to look like. And we can either get really excited about that or be scared about it.

Tammy: Right.

Kirstin: But we don’t know what she’s going to be like.

Tammy: Right. Yeah. And it could be really good.

Kirstin: It could be amazing. It could be everything you wanted for the last 57 years of your life.

Tammy: Yeah, right.

Kirstin: But if you’re too afraid to go there, then you’re going to stop yourself, and you’re going to be like, “Oh, no, let’s just keep going back to the binge. This is comfortable. I know this.” And then, stepping outside of your comfort zone and getting a little uncomfortable.

Tammy: Right, because I feel like that’s what I’m doing, I’m just… It’s uncomfortable to think about that, and I guess, in total transparency, and this sounds so crazy too, I’ve gone up and down so many times and it’s like, people know me as I am. And so, I stop binge-eating, I hopefully lose a bunch of weight, in my mind I’m hearing people go, “Oh, there she goes again. How long is she going to keep it off this time?” Or-

Kirstin: Uh-huh (affirmative). But you know what that really is?

Tammy: Crazy.

Kirstin: No. No, it’s you. That’s your thoughts.

Tammy: That’s true.

Kirstin: Whatever we think other people are going to think, it’s always us.

Tammy: That it’s true.

Kirstin: They may be like, “Hey, maybe she got it this time.”

Tammy: That’s true.

Kirstin: “Hey, this is it.” But you’re like, “No, here I go again. I’m totally going to screw it up again. It’s all going to come back on.” Right? No, this time different. For all of you, this time is different. We have to stop thinking about the past and stop thinking about old patterns, and what happened last year, and the last 30 years, and all of that stuff, and focus on now.

Tammy: Yeah. That’s very true.

Kirstin: Because people always do that, “Well, I’ve only been able to go two weeks without bingeing.” So what? This time you’re going to go three.

Tammy: Right, right. Yeah. It’s all in how you think, as you’ve been saying over and over and over.

Kirstin: And I will continue to do that.

Tammy: That’s good. We need that.

Kirstin: Because we forget… Even us coaches forget sometimes, so it is how it is. But you have to focus on what this new Tammy’s going to be like, and be excited about her. She’s going to be amazing, people are going to love her. You’re going to love her. They’re going to be like, “Where has this girl been?”

Tammy: Well, that’s the scary part, because when I’ve been overweight my whole life and low self-esteem, you don’t feel lovable. And I think the scary part is, “Well, is losing the weight going to make me lovable? But what if they don’t love me then?”

Kirstin: What if you have just always been lovable?

Tammy: I’ve never thought that. I’ve never thought that.

Kirstin: I love you.

Tammy: Well, thank you.

Kirstin: Yeah. So you’re lovable. I bet other people in the group would say the same.

Tammy: Well, thank you.

Kirstin: Yes. We are all lovable. We are all capable of feeling loved. And even people who are overweight are lovable, it doesn’t matter.

Tammy: Right. Yeah. And I don’t know why… I feel like, because I have been overweight, I don’t judge other people by their weight. I go out of my way not to do that, but it’s hard to think that people aren’t judging me for that. And like you –

Kirstin: Maybe they are. Maybe they are judging you, but who cares?

Tammy: Right. That’s on them.

Kirstin: It’s on them. If you’re not judging you, then it doesn’t matter. I could go outside and I could be wearing like a little crop top and jeans and people could be like, “Oh, my God, look at her love handles. That’s so gross. Oh, her leg, look at her thighs. There’s all cellulite and stuff. That’s gross.” They can totally say that, but if I’m like, “You know what? I look good. I’m normal. This is fine. It’s totally fine that I have cellulite and extra fat patches on my body. Totally fine. This is what women have. I’m not 19 anymore. That’s just how it is.” When we’re okay with it, it doesn’t matter what other people’s judgments are. Just like, if I think that I’m beautiful and someone’s like, “You’re ugly.” I’m like, “You’re wrong. Anyway.”

Tammy: Well, and maybe that’s part of my problem is I’m not sure I’m to the point where I believe it, that I’m lovable. And so, I need to get to the point of where I believe I’m lovable and beautiful as I am.

Kirstin: Exactly. Why are you not? Why are you not lovable?

Tammy: Well, in my mind, it’s because I’m overweight and, yeah, I’ve always had a low self-esteem, and have not been a very confident person, and I’m a stay-at-home mom, whose kids have flown the coop. So I feel like I don’t always have a lot to offer, when it comes to conversation and things like that, all of those sorts of things.

Kirstin: Uh-huh, yeah. So you’re not lovable because you’re overweight, is that true? People that are overweight are not lovable.

Tammy: No. No, not at all.

Kirstin: No, that includes you.

Tammy: That’s the hard part. That’s the part I need to work on the most, I think.

Kirstin: Yeah. But I want you to really see the truth in that. If we start saying things like, “Well, I’m unlovable, because I’m overweight, but all the other overweight people, they’re totally lovable.” Why are they and why aren’t you? And then, you start saying… And then, you start going to another place, you’re like, “Well, I also just don’t have anything to offer.” Is that true?

Tammy: No, there’s no truth in that.

Kirstin: No, you have things to say, you have interests, you have opinions. But what’s going to happen is if you start getting really insecure about it and you’re like, “I don’t have anything to offer,” you’re going to close off and not offer anything.

Tammy: Right, mm-hmm, and I’ve been there, mm-hmm.

Kirstin: Yeah, right. You’re like, “I have nothing to say,” and you just freak out and you keep quiet. Instead of, what do I have to talk about? What do I have to say about this thing? What am I curious about here?

Tammy: And thankfully the older I get, the less I care about that stuff, what people think, and I am becoming more accepting of myself, but have a ways to go yet.

Kirstin: Yeah, yeah. And I think that this overweight, unlovable thing, it’s something worth working on for you. And just, I can’t stress the truth of this, that your weight has nothing to do with your lovability. Nothing. People have always loved you. You’re kind of rejecting it, because you’re like, “No, no, no, no, no, you don’t really love me. You can’t love me. I’m overweight.” It comes back to your thoughts. They’re like, “I love you.” And you’re like, “Cute.”

Tammy: It does come back to your thoughts. Your thoughts about yourself.

Kirstin: Right.

Tammy: Mm-hmm.

Kirstin: But see the truth in that you are lovable no matter what, because you can’t argue that. You’re going to come up with all these reasons why you’re not lovable and it’s all total BS.

Tammy: That’s true. That’s true, mm-hmm.

Kirstin: You are not the one overweight, unlovable person that exists in the world.

Tammy: Thank you. That’s a relief.

Kirstin: Yeah, you’re not. You’re not. I bet if we went into Slack and we were like, “Okay, who else thinks they’re unlovable, because they are overweight?” People would be like, “Me, me, I’m unlovable. I’m unlovable.” And then we’d all go back to each other like, “What? No, not you.”

Tammy: Yeah, yeah, right.

Kirstin: And are all going to argue with it, because it’s a lie.

Tammy: And I know I’m lovable. I don’t know, maybe, it’s more of a sense of worth. Am I worth the effort?

Kirstin: Are you?

Tammy: Yes. I know am.

Kirstin: Well, I guess, actually the question is, why aren’t you? Why aren’t you worth the effort?

Tammy: Right, mm-hmm. Good question. I mean, there’s really no answer to that, because I am worth the effort.

Kirstin: Right, exactly. Of course, you are, because you’re a human that deserves whatever it is that you want. Because we can go back to, who in your life do you know that isn’t worth it?

Tammy: Nobody.

Kirstin: Nobody, just you.

Tammy: I know, it sounds crazy when you say it back to me, but those are the thoughts you have.

Kirstin: I know, our thoughts are crazy. That’s why right from the start of this program, I’m like, “Listen, everybody, you’re going to say stupid things. You’re going to say crazy things. Just say them, because it’s important to vocalize them. And you’re not the only one that’s thinking these.” You’re not.

Tammy: Well, that’s what I’ve loved about Slack and the accountability group, because that’s what you find out. You are not the only one with these crazy thoughts.

Kirstin: Nope. You’re not. And then once you say them out loud or write them on paper, then you can kind of look at them and be like, “What?” Especially having somebody question them. We can question all of our thoughts ourselves, but we don’t always think to, so that’s why it’s nice having a coach available, where I’m like, “Why are you not worthy? Why are you not lovable?” And our brains stop really quick, and they’re like, “Wait, what?”

Tammy: That does sound crazy. That’s very true, mm-hmm.

Kirstin: Yeah. So just sit with that truth, you don’t even have to go into thinking, “I’m totally lovable,” or anything like that. Just really sit in the fact that what you’re thinking just doesn’t make sense.

Tammy: Right, mm-hmm, right. And even the whole comfort in bingeing, it just doesn’t make sense.

Kirstin: Nope.

Tammy: It doesn’t make sense to go there.

Kirstin: No, there’s so many other ways you can find comfort. So explore the ways that you can find it. And we’re going to talk about feeling the feelings and all of that stuff-

Tammy: Okay, Oh, awesome.

Kirstin: … coming attraction. Yes, it’s coming.

Tammy: Awesome. I’m excited-

Kirstin: I just don’t want to overwhelm you in the beginning, so at first get ourselves… get the foundations, really understand that you want to binge, and lessening the desire and all that stuff. So think about why you don’t want to binge, why that comfort isn’t worth it. Yeah, the comfort’s great, but is it worth it?

Tammy: Yeah. And that’s been so hard for me to kind of reconcile is, why does all this… that have such a negative impact on my life? Why am I making that a priority over something that would have a positive-

Kirstin: You’re just not… You’re just not thinking about it right.

Tammy: Okay.

Kirstin: You’re thinking about the comfort instead of thinking about how awful it is.

Tammy: True. That’s true.

Kirstin: That’s why. So purposefully think about the whole story of the binge, the end, the last half. Think about all of that on purpose. Get excited about Tammy of the future. She’s going to be awesome. You’re going to love her. Seriously, you’re going to love her. Okay?

Tammy: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Kirstin: Okay. And then remembering that you are lovable and worthy, no matter what, because you’re a human in this world. Okay?

Tammy: All right. Thank you.

Kirstin: All right. You’re welcome. Thanks for… That was good stuff, thanks for coming on.

Tammy: Yep.

Kirstin: Bye, Tammy.

She brought so much good stuff to our call, right?

This work, stopping binge eating, is so much more than just changing your eating. It’s a chance to change you, how you show up in your life, and how you think about yourself.

You of course don’t have to change how you think about yourself or your personal identity but, it will make it so much easier if you do.

The more you love and respect yourself, the happier you are with yourself, the better you will treat yourself. The better you will do for yourself.

Now, if you want to be a part of something like this that you just heard, if you want coaching like this and if you want to hear more coaching like this then you must join my group coaching program.

As I’m recording this, I’m working on a new website and am finalizing details for my next group and they both will be posted soon. If you’re already on my email list then you’ll get an email when details are finalized. If not, you can sign up to be notified by going to coachkir.com/group and soon that will also be the page where you can get more info about my groups.

Alright, that is all for today, I hope you enjoyed Tammy and I and I will talk to you next week! Bye bye!