Ep #376: What To Do When People Talk About Diets, Restriction, and Weight Around You

Hello! Let’s jump right in and talk about those times when people talk about diets, restriction, and weight around you.

For so many years, these things have been talked about a lot in conversations. There are so many people wanting to lose weight, trying to lose weight, and talking about what they’re doing, what they’ve done, and what they think they should do.

They talk about cheat days, about foods being bad, about needing to work off what they ate, about earning joy food, about calories, points, macros, about their body’s flaws, about other people’s bodies, about what other people eat, and it’s so normal to them.

It’s matter of fact to them, it’s just part of their thinking, it’s just what they talk about.

And I totally get it because I used to be the same way.

I also still have plenty of people in my life who are that way. And I understand why. I know what messages they’ve received, what they’ve been taught, what they’ve observed and heard and seen from other people. Because, I have too. I understand why they put their focus on those things. I get it.

But, what are you supposed to do when they’re doing it but, you don’t talk that way anymore?

As people go through this process of stopping binge eating and changing their relationship with food and their bodies, what they think about changes. They get out of diet mentality, which is a term that sums up what I listed people talking about, so they talk about food and eating differently, and they think about food and bodies differently.

So here they are thinking and talking in a new way and other people around them are thinking and talking like they used to.

Now, the initial response might be one of two things.

Getting frustrated or wanting to educate them.

You might get frustrated because you don’t want to hear it. You don’t want to be subjected to that kind of talk. You don’t want to talk in that way.

And if you’re really fresh from thinking that way, you might be concerned that they’re going to pull you back into it.

But they can’t pull you back in. You are in charge of what you think, not them.

So keep reminding yourself of what you believe now. Remind yourself that you don’t talk that way anymore.

You can let them say what they want, what they believe, what they think, and you, in your mind, can think what you want.

And that will be so much easier to do if you are really secure in your new thoughts about food, eating, bodies, exercise, all the things.

The more you practice your new thinking, the more natural it will be for you, and the easier it will be for you to stay in that way of thinking even when other people are saying other things.

So practice, practice, practice.

And, allow them to say whatever they choose to say.

As I said, something you might want to do is educate them. You might want to try and coach them or teach them a different way of thinking. You might try to change their thinking.

You now experience what you think is a better way of thinking, and you want that for them too.

But, they might not be open to that. They might not want to learn something different, or be coached, or hear a different perspective.

They might just want to think how they think.

And that’s okay. They’re allowed to.

And if that’s what they want, then you can keep your thoughts to yourself.

I do this with certain people in my life.

There’s a woman I know that says she’s being naughty when she eats what she thinks is a “bad” food. And I say nothing. She isn’t asking me for help with not thinking that way, she isn’t asking for weight loss advice, she’s not telling me that she doesn’t want to think that way, she might not even see that way of thinking as a problem. And ya know what, maybe it isn’t for her. So I allow her to think that way.

Because if I did try to change how she thinks, she might completely brush off and ignore what I’m saying, she might not want to hear it, or she might get annoyed or angry that I’m trying to change something that she isn’t open to changing.

Something I was taught during my coach training is to never coach someone who hasn’t asked for coaching. Several years ago I learned that lesson the hard way when I was coaching a friend who didn’t ask for it. I was trying to get him to do something that I thought was better than what he was doing. But he didn’t want to change, and so he got really annoyed with me and it affected our friendship. He felt like I was pushing him and he didn’t like it.

And I know that feeling. I know what it’s like when someone is trying to push you to do something you don’t want to do and not only does it not feel good but it makes you feel annoyed with that person.

So we gotta read the room. We can test the waters and see if the person is open to hearing what you have to say. If not, you can drop it.

What you could also do is instead of telling them that their thinking is wrong, or that what you think is better, or that they should or shouldn’t think a certain way, is to simply share what you think for yourself. You’re not telling them how to think, you’re just sharing how you think.

So it could be something like, “I actually stopped calling foods “good” and “bad” because I realized it was causing me more harm than good.”

Or, “I don’t count calories anymore because I learned how to gauge how much to eat by listening to my hunger and fullness cues.”

I remember when that same woman I mentioned before said I was being, “good” by not ordering dessert.

I said, “I’m not being good, I just don’t want anything.”

And that was it. She didn’t question what I said or ask me to tell her more, so I let it be.

Now, had she inquired about what I said, then sure I would have explained more. If interest was shown, I would have continued on.

But it wasn’t.

So you can share your new way of thinking if you’d like to but if they’re not interested in knowing more, you can end it there. But, if the conversation continues, be careful that you don’t then shift into the “You should do it my way too” territory. Let them make their own decisions for what they choose to think and believe.

Now, sometimes you might just not want to be around that way of talking. You might not want to listen to it.

And if that’s the case, you are allowed to set a boundary around this.

The boundary would be, “If you do this, then I will do this.”

So you’re not telling anyone what to do, you’re not threatening anyone, you’re just stating what you will choose to do if the other person is talking about something in particular.

So an example would be, “If you talk about needing to exercise off what you ate, then this is what I’ll do.” And you have options for what you can do.

A couple options for you could be that you could choose to just not engage, which is a boundary I have for myself some of the time, or you could choose to step away from the conversation.

You could choose something else too but, those are the most common choices I’ve seen people make that work well.

There’s been plenty of times when I’ve been around diet mentality talk and just stayed silent until it’s over.

And if you do that, and at some point the person questions why you’re not saying anything, you can just say something like, “I’d rather not talk about this.” You don’t need to explain further if you don’t want to. It’s the same idea as when they say, “no” is a complete sentence.

Or you could share your perspective as I talked about a few minutes ago and leave it at that or say, “I just don’t think that way anymore.”

Again, it doesn’t have to turn into you trying to convince them to think differently.

So, you can choose to just not engage and not speak during those kinds of conversations. And in your mind, you can stay solid in what you believe and while letting them believe what they believe.

Or you could choose the other boundary option and step away from the conversation. Now, of course if this is a one on one conversation then it would probably be useful to express this boundary before just walking away. That way they can understand why you’re stepping away. You can tell them that if they talk about x, y, or z that you will step away from the conversation and go in the other room or walk away or whatever.

And if it’s a group conversation you could tell them or not, it’s totally up to you.

But just know that you have options.

You don’t have to stick around if there is somewhere else you can go.

You don’t have to engage in the conversation.

And you don’t have to let their opinions and beliefs replace yours.

Now, there’s one last thing I want to talk about.

Sometimes when people are hearing other people talk about other people, and the people are judging other people for how their bodies look or what or how much they eat, they worry that those people are judging them in the same way.

Now of course, we don’t know if they are or not, unless of course they verbalize it and you’re allowed to implement a boundary if that happens.

But let’s say they are judging you in their minds. Because it would be safe to assume that if they’re judging others they could be judging you too.

And if they are, there’s two things I want to recommend you do.

One is to try and understand why they might be doing it.

And the other is to, as I talked about before, be secure in what you believe about yourself, your body, and what and how much you eat.

If you’re not, if you have the same judgements you assume they have, then you have some work to do on your own judgements.

Because when you believe that your body is okay, and that what and how much you eat is okay, or if it’s not okay that you are acknowledging that you’re working on it and are getting better, then it will be so much easier to not be as affected by those assumed judgements.

You can let those people have their judgements and you can have yours.

Or to put it another way, you can let them be wrong.

So definitely make sure you’re doing the work to get your thoughts and beliefs to be what you want them to be, so you’re thinking about food and eating and your body how you want to, in a way that’s useful and that feels good to you and creates a desirable outcome for you.

Because then, their judgements won’t affect you as much because you know what’s true for you, and its your eating and your body so that’s what matters most.

And the other thing I said was trying to understand why they think how they think.

Maybe they have judgements about themselves that they’re projecting.

Maybe they’ve just been taught to judge in that way.

It’s likely that they’re not doing it on purpose, and are not trying to be hurtful, but they just don’t know any differently. They also might not even know the effect it has. You can give them grace for that.

When you have an understanding for where they’re coming from, it can be easier to accept how they are and therefore, easier for you to let their judgements go.

You can of course express how it affects you if you’d like but, it’s so important to remember that we can’t change other people and when they aren’t willing to change, we can accept how they are if we want to. And if you want to keep your relationship with that person, accepting how they are will be key.

I do know that accepting people who talk about this stuff or who judge this stuff can be hard but getting to acceptance will create more peace and comfort for you.

So, I hope this will help you to feel more comfortable when people around you are talking about diets, restriction, and weight, and are basically vocalizing their own diet mentality.

You have options. You can be okay. You also don’t have to choose to stay and listen if you don’t want to and are able to step away. But even if you aren’t, it doesn’t have to become a super uncomfortable moment for you or turn into an argument.

And also, when you have done the work to get your thoughts and beliefs to where you want them to be, then no one can take that away from you.

Alright, that’s all for today, I’ll talk to you next time, bye bye.