Ep #369: If You Think You’re Not Good Enough

Hello! Today I’m talking with you about not being good enough.

This is for anyone who thinks they’re not good enough to stop binge eating, who thinks what they’re doing to stop binge eating isn’t good enough, and who thinks that they’re just not good enough in general.

And I want to talk about this because thinking this way about yourself can be a huge obstacle that is getting in the way of you stopping binge eating.

When you think you’re not good enough, or that what you’re doing isn’t good enough, how do you feel?

Inadequate? Defeated? Disappointed? Ashamed?

And what do you do when you feel that way?

It’s very likely that you do nothing. You stop trying, you hide, you don’t put in any effort to do better.

So nothing changes and you don’t do better. You don’t do good enough.

That’s what happens when you get down on yourself and start telling yourself that you’re not good enough or that what you’re doing isn’t good enough.

You actually bring yourself down.

You make it harder for you to do better.

So if this is what happens, why do you do it?

Let’s take a look at why you might be thinking this way about yourself.

One reason might be that you have too high of expectations for yourself. This falls into the perfectionism category.

You think that if you’re not doing perfectly, if you’re not acting perfectly, then you’re not good enough.

So as soon as you do something, think something, or feel something that’s not ideal, that’s not perfect, then you immediately tell yourself that you’re not good enough. Because, to you, good enough means perfect.

Anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.

If you’re thinking this way, then you’re going to feel disappointed in yourself a lot more than you should be because you’re going to be imperfect way more than you think you should be.

But, if you’re allowing for imperfection, mistakes, missteps, and you see that this is normal, and it actually is good enough, then you’ll feel so much better about yourself and therefore do so much better.

And it really can be good enough.

Now, there does need to be an honest assessment of yourself here though.

Is what you’re doing actually good enough to make progress but you’re telling yourself it’s not because it’s not perfect?

Or, is what you’re doing really not good enough and you need to do more?

Either way, being hard on yourself isn’t going to help you do more and do better.

It’s not going to motivate you to do more or do better, which is another reason why some people tell themselves they’re not good enough or aren’t doing it good enough – because they’re trying to motivate themselves.

But as I walked you through a moment ago, if you’re telling yourself that and are feeling bad about yourself, you’re not going to be motivated. You’ll actually be de-motivated.

So regardless of whether you actually are doing good enough or not, being hard on yourself about it isn’t going to be helpful. And, it’s also not the only option.

Even if what you’re doing is in fact not good enough, you can acknowledge it in a more, matter-of-fact kind of way rather than a berating or critical kind of way. So it could be like, “What I’m doing isn’t good enough,” rather than, “What I’m doing isn’t good enough, it will never be good enough, I’m not good enough, I’ll never be good enough.” Notice the difference? You can either just acknowledge it or you can beat yourself up about it, make it mean something negative about you as a person, and also decide that you’ll never change, can’t change, and maybe even add some cruel adjectives to the mix, saying you’re a loser, a failure, are weak, are broken, things like that.

Even if what you’re doing isn’t good enough to create change, don’t do that.

Acknowledge it and then get into solution-mode. What can you do to do better? Or to do more?

Thinking that way is going to be so much more useful because it’s going to feel so much better, which will help you to act better.

So, being mean to yourself, and calling yourself not good enough isn’t going to motivate you.

Also, setting your expectations too high and only accepting perfection is setting you up to feel bad about yourself.

It’s so important that you see that being perfect isn’t the only way to make progress and reach goals.

You can still do it even if you make mistakes, have set backs or missteps.

For most people, most of the time, with any goal, including stopping binge eating, progress isn’t linear. It isn’t just perfection until you get there.

Binges will happen. Overeating will happen.

And when they do, you don’t have to make it mean that what you’re doing isn’t good enough or that you’re not good enough.

You can make it mean that it’s part of the process and there is something you need to put more focus on and work on.

You are good enough, even if you make mistakes, even if you binge.

What you are doing can be good enough and you can still make mistakes.

Because really, during this whole process of stopping binge eating, you are learning and doing new things, and when you’re learning and doing new things, perfection is extremely hard to achieve, and is unrealistic.

So yeah, good enough can include mistakes, binges, overeats, and moments of not putting in effort.

You can be doing your best and those things can happen.

Doing your best doesn’t mean you’re doing perfectly. It means you’re doing what you’re capable of, given your circumstances, skill-level, experience, and given how much time and energy you have.

Make sure you take those factors into account when you’re making that honest assessment for whether or not what you’re doing is good enough.

Now, moving on to another reason why you might be telling yourself you’re not good enough is if that’s how you’ve been conditioned to talk to yourself.

You might have had family members, teachers, coaches, other role models or authority figures speak to you that way.

They might have been hard on you maybe because they also thought it was motivating or maybe that’s how they themselves were conditioned to speak to themselves, so they’re just doing what was modeled to them.

Now you’ve taken it on and are continuing to do it to yourself.

But you can change your self-talk. You can change the way you talk to yourself to be more neutral, or more compassionate, or more encouraging, or kinder, or assertive without being so harsh.

You have endless options for words you can say to yourself and telling yourself over and over that you’re not good enough is just one. And one that I do not recommend.

So no matter how you were taught to speak to yourself, you can choose to speak differently. You can decide right now that you don’t speak to yourself harshly anymore.

And the more you practice being more neutral, compassionate, encouraging, kinder, and assertive without being harsh, the easier and more natural it will become.

And the last reason I want to talk about for why you might tell yourself that you’re not good enough is because you’ve made mistakes in your past.

You look at your past, all the mistakes you’ve made, all the times you’ve failed, and you make them all mean that you’re not good enough.

You make it all very personal.

But those mistakes, those binges, those failed attempts at stopping binge eating don’t mean you’re not good enough.

Like I said before, they only mean there is something you need to put more focus on and work on.

Your past mistakes and fails do not mean that you are incapable. They just mean that what you tried didn’t work. And you can try different things, or try to do what you did in a different way, or add different strategies to what you did.

You didn’t not stop binge eating because you’re not good enough. It’s not about you. It’s about what you were doing.

And, if as you were trying you kept telling yourself you aren’t good enough, that’s for sure something that you did that stopped you from stopping binge eating because it will bring you down every time.

You need to see that you are good enough, that you can do good enough, because you are and you can.

So please, stop telling yourself that you aren’t and can’t.

Stop making it personal. It’s not. It’s not you, it’s what you’re doing and that is totally changeable.

And you are good enough as you are.

If you don’t believe me, then I have a question for you.

What do you think would have to happen in order for you to think you’re good enough?

Is your answer that you need to be more consistent? Maybe more consistent with doing the work to stop binge eating, or maybe you have specific tools you want to be using more or specific goals you want to be working on more.

If that’s the case, as I talked about a few minutes ago, you don’t just beat yourself up about not doing it. You get curious about why you’re not and strategize how you can. You explore what is getting in the way of you doing it and explore ways you can overcome the obstacle that’s in your way.

You get into problem solving mode and you’re not doing it from a place of being hard on yourself or forcing yourself to change or being frustrated with yourself.

You’re doing it from a place of caring and of being supportive of yourself.

Now, going back to that question I asked, “What do you think would have to happen in order for you to think you’re good enough?”

Is your answer that you would have to be perfect? That you’d have to eat perfectly? That you’d have to use the tools and skills you’ve learned every single time without fail?

Well, I hate to tell you this but, that’s not going to happen.

Speaking for myself, I am definitely not a perfect eater and I don’t use all the tools and skills I have every single time.

There are times when I overeat, and eat past full, and eat when I’m not hungry too much.

Because, I’m a human. An imperfect human.

And, I’m still good enough simply because I am.

Now, I’m not going to tell you that 100% of the time I believe I’m good enough with everything in my life.

Even with that, with believing positive things about ourselves, it’s also unrealistic to think you’re going to be perfect with that.

I don’t think perfectly positive about myself all the time. There are times I think I’m not good enough in certain areas.

But, I don’t settle there and allow myself to swirl in negativity about myself.

I notice that I’m doing it and I get to work on changing how I’m talking to myself and work on changing what I’m doing.

It’s okay to think negatively about yourself sometimes, it’s normal.

But it’s not okay to live there.

Because, it’s just not true.

You are good enough even if you’re not perfect.

And I just want to add, that you don’t need to have all the external things that are considered ideal or normal or that society tells you you should have in order to be good enough.

You don’t need to have a thin body, be married, have kids, have a lot of friends, own a home, have a career, have lots of money, or anything like that to be good enough.

You can be, and are good enough without those.

“Good enough” comes from within. It’s internal.

You don’t need anything but yourself to be good enough.

You also don’t need to be perfect, achieve all the goals, feel good all the time, act ideally all the time, think positively all the time, or be productive all the time to be good enough.

When you can accept yourself as being good enough as you are, you will actually show up as a version of yourself that you’ll like better.

That’s how it works. You think well of yourself, then you feel good, and then you do good.

So allow yourself to be imperfect and know that you’re good enough as your imperfect self.

And, if you want to do more or do better, you totally can.

Just don’t try to motivate yourself by being hard on yourself or mean to yourself.

Acknowledge what could improve and explore how you can do it. Keep it neutral, keep it simple.

Alright, that is what I have for you today. Now you go be your imperfect, good enough self, and I’ll talk to you next time. Bye bye!