Ep #363: You Have Control, But You’re Using it Wrong

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Alright, now onto today’s topic – control.

The word control is used a lot for people who binge eat and it’s usually when they’re talking about being out of control.

When they binge, they feel out of control.

When they feel an urge to binge, they feel out of control.

They think they can’t control themselves around certain foods.

So with all that, they think they just don’t have self-control.

But really, they do.

They have so much.

But, they’re using it in the wrong way.

They’re using the control they do have to control certain things but, controlling in the way they are is what actually leads them to feeling so out of control.

So let me explain what I mean.

One thing that many people who binge eat control is their emotions. They control them with food.

They use food to change how they feel, to numb how they feel, to make themselves feel better.

They may feel out of control with the eating but, at the same time, they are in control of changing their emotions.

They’re controlling their emotions but are feeling out of control with the food.

They’re wondering why they can’t control their eating and it’s because they can’t control their emotions with food and control their eating at the same time.

If they controlled their eating, and stopped, then they wouldn’t be controlling their emotions anymore.

So basically, they’re choosing to control their emotions rather than control what they’re eating.

They let go of controlling their eating so they can control their emotions.

So there they are, thinking they are out of control when really, they are using control. It’s just focused on the wrong thing.

If they weren’t controlling their emotions in that way, they wouldn’t be eating the food, they’d be controlling their eating.

This is why it’s so important to not try to be so controlling of your emotions in that way.

This is why I talk so much about allowing yourself to feel your emotions.

Because then, you can let yourself feel how you’re feeling, not try to force yourself into feeling different, and food won’t be involved at all.

If you aren’t controlling your emotions with food, it will be so much easier to just be in control of what you’re eating.

And real quick, I want to be clear about what I mean when I say to allow yourself to feel your emotions.

I’m not saying that you just need to feel uncomfortable forever, or for an extended period of time.

I believe in working through your feelings and your thoughts so you can feel better.

But it’s not forceful or immediate like controlling your feelings with food is.

It’s not a quick escape from how you’re feeling.

You let yourself feel it and then you work on it so you can feel better.

That’s what I’m an advocate for.

Instead of controlling your feelings in a forceful way, it’s controlling them in a productive way, a way that will take effort but that won’t be as temporary as what you experience when you’re controlling your emotions with food.

Then there’s the body control and the food control.

Most people who binge eat are also trying to control the size of their bodies.

And they do it by being overly controlling with what they’re eating and how much they’re eating in order to do it.

They’re using excessive control to try and make their eating perfect for weight loss, or to not gain weight.

And at some point, that excessive control gets tiring.

They get tired of being so rigid and strict.

So, they let go.

They let go of all that control and just let all their pent up food desires go wild.

They stop trying to control what they eat and just eat whatever they feel like eating, whatever comes into their mind, without much conscious thought.

Then, they blame themselves for not having control.

But really, they had so much control until the point when they decided to let go of it.

And they go of it because it was too much.

And when they do let go of it, it can be hard to get themselves back to feeling in control because they so badly want a change in how they’re eating.

The desire for all they’d been denied of is so strong that it overrides their desire to eat less.

So in this case, it’s not that they don’t have control with their eating, they are actually controlling too much.

The out of control eating happens as a reaction to being too controlling.

So if they want to not get to that point of feeling out of control, they need to stop being too controlling.

You don’t need to be so rigid and strict with what and how much you’re eating.

You don’t need to not allow foods, cut out foods, forbid foods, and make them off-limits.

You don’t need to force yourself to not eat when you’re hungry.

Notice that I again used that word I used when I talked about feelings – force.

You have control and you are likely using it to force your emotions to change, force your body to change, force your eating to change.

And we can only force for so long before we get exhausted and give up on it completely and do the exact opposite of what we’d been forcing.

We let go.

We stop controlling and let the eating just happen.

So if you want to feel more in control with your eating, stop forcing yourself to control your emotions, your body, and what you’re eating.

Now, I get that part of what I just said might sound confusing. If you want to feel more in control with your eating, stop forcing yourself to control what you’re eating.

But again, the key word here is “force.”

You can be in control of what you’re eating but not do it in a forceful way.

You can be intentional about what you’re eating and not eating and how much you’re eating.

You can make decisions and honor your decisions.

You can choose what you eat and don’t eat.

That is you controlling what you do.

But you don’t have to force yourself to eat things you don’t want to eat, just for the sake of controlling your body size.

Something that not enough people realize is that it is possible to eat foods you like to eat and not gain weight.

So many of us have been brainwashed to believe that certain foods are going to make you fat or that you can’t lose weight if you eat certain foods.

But it’s simply just not true.

Because, it’s not the foods that cause weight gain or that stop weight loss. It’s the amount.

So we don’t need to force ourselves to never eat foods we like so we can control our weight.

We can relax, and it will be okay.

And that is where you’re going to find the control that you want to have.

When you’re relaxed.

When you’re not forcing emotions, or forcing yourself to eat a certain way to make your body to change.

When you’re relaxed while feeling uncomfortable emotions, because you know you’re okay, it’s temporary, and you can work through it, you’re not going to urge to eat. You’re not urging to force change.

You can much more easily choose to not eat.

When you’re relaxed about your eating choices, because you know that you can be okay eating any food, unless of course your body has legit adverse reactions, but for most people for the most part, you will be okay eating any food. Certain foods do not equal disaster or weight gain. All foods can exist in your life.

When you’re relaxed, you can much more easily choose to eat any food sometimes and not eat them sometimes. Eating them won’t be such a big deal because you won’t have been denied them, you won’t be anticipating being denied them tomorrow and for weeks or months into the future, you won’t be afraid that disaster will happen if you eat them.

Rather than forcing yourself to eat and not eat certain foods, and then feeling like you don’t have control anymore after a period of being too controlling, you can be more relaxed about all of it.

That’s the goal here.

Being relaxed will lead to you being more in control with your eating in the way you want to be.

You get to eat what you want, when you want, and how much you want. For real.

And to be clear, when I say that, I’m not saying you overdo it, because that’s not really what you want because then, you’d feel bad physically in your body.

You eat what you want, when you want, and how much you want and what you want also includes feeling good in your body.

So you make those decisions for what, when, and how much while considering how your body will feel.

It’s so important to not leave that out of the decision-making.

So, if you feel like you are out of control with your eating, take an honest look at what you are controlling that is actually leading you to eventually feeling out of control, or to let go of control.

You do have control. You just need to make sure you’re using it in the most useful, and helpful ways, rather than forcing by being too controlling.

Alright, I hope that gave you some insight into the control you have and how you’re using it why you get into the space of feeling out of control.

If you would like more help with this, more personalized help with this, then I encourage you to come work with me in The Stop Binge Eating Program where you’ll be able to ask me questions, and where I can help you to stop being so forceful and controlling in unuseful ways. I know it can be hard to let go of being too controlling with things I talked about in this episode but, I can help you do it.

So if you want my help, register for the program by going to coachkir.com/group and there is a lot of info about the program on that page but again, if you have any questions that aren’t answered on that page, email them to info@coachkir.com.

Let’s get you more relaxed so you can control yourself in the ways that will be the most helpful for you.

Alright, I’ll talk to you again soon, bye bye.