Ep #287: Why You Feel How You Feel

Hello! Registration is closing in just 2 days, on February 1^st of 2024 for The Stop Binge Eating Program.

If you’ve gotten help just from listening to the podcast but still aren’t where you want to be, then this is your opportunity to multiply your progress and get yourself all the way there.

We’ll work together, you and I, so you don’t have to do this on your own. Working as a team in this program will help you to cut through the confusion, the doubt, the fear, and give you more structure, clarity, motivation, accountability, drive, and optimism.

So then you can finally get to the place where you are at peace with food, feel free and calm around food, aren’t obsessing, aren’t feeling guilty about what you eat, are feeling comfortable in your body, and are having more confidence and trust in yourself.

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Let’s get you there.

You can register for the program and get immediate access to The Stop Binge Eating Course by going to coachkir.com/group right now.

There’s a lot of info on that page about how the program works and other details but if you have a question that isn’t answered there you can email it to info@coachkir.com.

No matter where you are, you can go farther and I can help you do it.

You can stop binge eating and now is the time for you to do it.

Now, after you’ve gone and registered, let’s talk about feelings and why you feel how you feel.

Feelings are a big part of binge eating for a lot of people.

Some people binge because they’re too restrictive with their eating. Some people binge because eating is how they handle their emotions. And for most people, it’s both.

So having more understanding of your feelings is going to be super helpful for a lot of you.

When you understand why your uncomfortable feelings are there, you can more easily address them and work through them.

When you have no idea, that’s when you might be at a total loss and just eat because that kinda works to help you feel better, but not really because that can lead you to feel more uncomfortable emotions. And you might try to change how you feel in a way that isn’t really addressing why the emotion is there.

Getting to the cause is going to be important if you’re going to actually help yourself to feel better without eating so in this episode, I’m going to help you find the cause of your emotions by looking at two things – why you feel any emotion at all and why you feel specific emotions.

So first, let’s talk about why you feel emotions and I’m not talking here about the purpose of our emotions, and they do have purpose, but what I’m talking about is the cause.

And the simple answer is because of what you’re thinking.

It’s our thoughts that cause us to feel how we feel and when I talk about thoughts I mean either the clear sentences that we hear in our minds or, the lightning fast interpretations that our brains make.

When something happens, we have an interpretation, an opinion, a perspective about that something and when we do, that’s when we feel the emotion.

Something happens and when it does, we feel an emotion because of what we make that something mean.

So if you see something happen, or hear about something, you feel how you feel because of what you’re thinking about it.

Or if something physical happens internally within you, like the physical feeling of hunger, or feeling cold, or feeling pain, you’ll feel an emotion when you have a thought about it.

And this is important to know because we tend to think that it’s the circumstances of our lives and of the world that makes us feel how we feel but it’s not.

We can understand that it’s not by looking at how two people emotionally experience the same circumstances.

Two people may hear some news but feel different emotions because of what they’re thinking. One may feel indifferent while the other feels sad.

Two people may hear the same joke and one person feels joy and surprise while the other feels disappointed or offended.

Two people may feel the same intensity of hunger and one person feels calm while the other feels panicked.

Two people can experience the same thing and have a different emotional experience because of how they’re thinking about it.

So when you’re feeling an emotion, you’re not feeling it because of what’s happening, but because of what you’re thinking about what’s happening.

And this is a good thing because a lot of the time, we can’t change our circumstances right there in the moment. We can’t change what other people are doing or change what we did, or change our bodies immediately right now.

But we do have the power to change what we’re thinking about it so we can feel differently.

And this is also important to know because sometimes we can change our circumstances like we can get a new job, end a relationship and begin a new one, move and live in a different city, or lose weight and, when we do, we still don’t feel better.

We feel the same because even though we changed the circumstance we were in, we didn’t change what was happening in our mind.

So changing the circumstance, although sometimes is an option and sometimes can help to facilitate us feeling better, it’s not going to change your emotions unless you also change your thinking.

So the simple answer for why you feel emotions is because of what you’re thinking.

You feel how you feel because of the thoughts you think.

Not because of what you ate but because of what you’re thinking about what you ate.

Not because you’re alone but because of what you’re thinking about being alone.

Not because of the size of your body but because of what you’re thinking about the size of your body.

And not because of who you are but because of what you think about who you are.

So your thoughts are the cause of your emotions in general but, why do you feel the specific emotions that you feel?

Well, certain thoughts will create certain feelings.

For most feelings, there is a basic thought behind the feeling. Probably for all even, but I don’t know that for sure because I haven’t explored this with every single emotion that exists.

But I have taken note of some of the most common emotions my group members tell me they feel often and with each of them, I’ve tried to find the basic thought that causes the feeling.

We all have different thoughts and describe things in different ways and tell different stories but quite often when we get down to the nitty gritty of what we’re thinking, we can find the most basic interpretation, opinion, or perspective that makes it very clear why we’re feeling what we’re feeling.

And this is important because if you’re going to work on your thoughts so you can feel differently, you need to know where you starting point is.

Say you went on a job interview, you didn’t get the job, and you feel bad.

So you try thinking that you’ll find something else and other opportunities will come up, something even better. But you still don’t feel better.

Why? Because you don’t feel bad because you were thinking this was the only job you could apply for.

You’re feeling bad because you think you’re not good enough.

Those thoughts you’re telling yourself about there being other and better jobs aren’t addressing the real cause of the bad feeling so the bad feeling isn’t going away.

But it would if you addressed the thought that you’re not good enough.

If you did the work to get to a place where you do believe you’re good enough then that’s when you’d actually feel better.

If you want to feel better, you have to know what’s causing you to feel bad, feel uncomfortable, or feel negatively.

So I want to go through a list of the emotions I hear about most often from my group members and give you the basic thought that’s behind it and I hope this helps you to have a better understanding of why you feel how you feel when you feel bad, uncomfortable, or negative.

And again, these are the basic thoughts. You may be telling yourself a different version or a more intricate story but this is what it comes down to. So here we go:

If you feel guilty, you’re thinking you did something wrong or bad.

If you feel regret, you’re thinking you shouldn’t have done that.

If you feel shame, you’re thinking there’s something wrong with you, that you’re wrong, that you’re bad

If you feel desire, you’re thinking, “I want that.”

If you feel an urge, you’re thinking, “I need that.”

If you feel anxious, worried, nervous, or fearful, you’re thinking something bad is going to happen or something will go wrong. Now, those are all similar but not exactly the same emotion so although it’s the same basic thought, different variations of the thought will cause the different emotions and intensities of emotion.

If you feel hopeless our doubtful you’re thinking you can’t do it or can’t have it.

If you feel deprived you’re thinking you can’t have what you want.

If you feel bored you’re thinking there’s nothing to do or nothing you want to do.

If you feel lonely, you’re thinking that “no one…” and then you fill in the blank with something like no one cares, no one loves me, no one wants me, no one wants to spend time with me, etc.

If you feel overwhelmed you’re thinking it’s too much, it’s a lot, or it’s so much.

If you feel stressed you’re thinking there’s too much of something and not enough something. So for example too much to do and not enough time. That’s the example for stress that I see come up the most often.

If you feel inadequate you’re thinking you’re not good enough.

And the last one I’ll share, that most people who binge eat feel at one time or another, if you feel out of control or powerless, you’re thinking you can’t do anything or can’t stop.

So if you ever feel any of those, look for how that basic thought is showing up for you.

And from there, you can prove your thought wrong and you can find evidence to prove something that feels better to be true.

For example, you may think you can’t stop eating but, think about this. If an emergency happened and you needed to leave immediately, would you be able to stop eating? Or if someone walked into the room, would you be able to stop eating? Most likely you’d say yes, right? So you can stop eating but maybe you don’t know how to stop without something like that happening.

So you can use that to prove that you can stop eating, you’re capable of stopping eating, and you can then shift into thinking that you are going to learn how to stop eating and for most people, just shifting from thinking you can’t stop eating to thinking you can learn how to stop eating feels better. And you can learn how. I’ve given you so many tools and tips to do it throughout all the episodes of this podcast and I can teach you directly if you join The Stop Binge Eating Program.

Even just knowing there is something you can do, that there is an option available to you, that you can learn how to do it, that there is a way, can feel better than thinking there is nothing you can do.

For me, it feels so much better to think that I can learn how to stop eating than if I’m thinking I can’t stop eating. And honestly, it’s not even true that I can’t, that I’m not capable of stopping, and the same goes for you.

And you can do this with every other thought and emotion I listed.

You don’t have to stay stuck in believing you’re not good enough and feeling inadequate, that there’s something wrong with you and feeling ashamed, that eating that food was wrong and feeling guilty, that no one cares about you and feeling lonely, or that it’s too much and feeling overwhelmed. All of those are just thoughts and it’s possible for you to change your perspective and feel differently.

So find what thought is causing you to feel how you’re feeling and see how you can change your perspective. How can you think about the circumstance, about yourself, about your body, about your life differently, in a way that will feel better?

There is another way. If you want to feel differently, you can find another way of thinking.

And if you need help, know that I’m here and this is also something we do so much of in The Stop Binge Eating Program. I help you change how you’re thinking so you can feel differently. I can show you other options if you get stuck. I can help you make the transition so you can let go of the emotion you don’t want to be feeling.

And that doesn’t mean you’re going to eventually feel positive and comfortable 100% of the time as you get rid of the negative and uncomfortable. That’s not possible.

We’re all going to feel negative and uncomfortable sometimes for the rest of our lives but, we can work on our thoughts so we aren’t feeling that way for too long and so we aren’t feeling it for an inordinate amount of time.

So many people feel uncomfortable and negative too often and for too long because they’re not working on their thinking and managing their mind.

Don’t be one of those people.

When you notice you’re feeling uncomfortable, feel it, first and foremost, and then get to work on your thoughts.

Alright, that’s all I have for you today and also this is your final reminder that registration for The Stop Binge Eating Program is closing on Thursday February 1^st of 2024 so get yourself registered now at coachkir.com/group and let’s kick binge eating in the butt together, you and me, and with the support of other amazing people who will be doing this work alongside of you.

I’ll see you soon. Bye bye.