Ep #283: When It’s Unfair Other People Can Eat More Than You

Hi! It’s a new year! We’re now in 2024, it’s going to be an amazing year, and to help you make it your most amazing year yet, I want to start it off with a free workshop for you where I’m going to help you to drop your diet mentality.

This is a time when most people are going full speed with diets, and are thinking like a dieter but, you will not. You’re going to do the opposite. You’re going to undo all the diet rules and excessive restrictions that have perpetuated binge eating for you. You’re going to let go of the thoughts, beliefs, should’s, and “have to’s” that diets taught you so you can be freer with food, so you can be the one in charge of what you eat and don’t eat, and stop obsessing, stop the food chatter, and stop the cycle of depriving yourself and then bingeing on what you’ve been deprived of.

Come join me for the free workshop on Wednesday January 10^th of 2024 at 3pm ET and if you’re not able to make it live, register anyway because there will be a recording available for a limited time and you must be registered to access it.

So go to coachkir.com/workshop to register and I will see you on the 10^th.

Dropping your diet mentality is one of the most important things you’ll need to do to stop binge eating and I will help you do it in this workshop.

Alright, and now onto today’s episode topic which is, when it’s unfair that other people can eat more than you.

This topic had come up recently for a few of my group members, which is what inspired me to do an episode on it, and I for sure experienced this so many times in my life as well.

I spent so much of my adult life trying to lose weight, especially after times when I was bingeing a lot. So I was doing my best to not eat too much and to not eat certain foods that I thought would cause me to gain weight or stop my weight loss.

And it was hard because not only did I want to eat those foods that I thought would stop me from achieving my goal, but I wanted to eat a lot of them.

But, I couldn’t eat a lot of those foods and lose weight and not gain weight.

But you know who could? So many other people I knew.

At least, that’s what I thought.

Obviously I wasn’t seeing everything those people were eating because I wasn’t with them 24/7. But I saw those people eating seemingly more than me, especially the tasty stuff I wanted to eat. I’d see them eating rich or fried foods, desserts, snacks, and never gain a pound.

And then there I was, choosing the healthier option while feeling envious of them.

I thought it was unfair. It was unfair that they got to do what they wanted to do and I didn’t.

And yeah, I was choosing to try to lose weight, so I could take ownership of that choice but, that still didn’t change the fact that if they ate more than me, their body wouldn’t be affected like mine would be.

So not only did I feel envious of them but, I also felt resentful toward my body.

I’d get mad at my body for being the way that it is.

And being mad at my body was not a good thing.

It for sure didn’t help the relationship I had with it, which was already not great.

And sometimes that resentment and envy would drive me to rebel, and just eat carelessly, out of anger.

I’d do what I really wanted to do, I’d eat a lot of the foods I wanted to eat a lot of, and then of course afterward I’d be so disappointed with myself and with my body.

So if I was going to change this, if I was going to stop getting sucked into this, “it’s unfair” mindset, which drove me to be rebellious with my eating, what I needed to do was three things.

I needed to stop feeling resentful about my body, stop feeling envious of the other people, and stop wanting to eat large amounts of those foods. So that’s what I did.

And that’s what I’m going to work on with you today if you’re also someone who thinks it’s unfair that other people can eat more than you.

The first one we’re going to work on is the envy part.

So we gotta get clear on why there is envy. Yes you’re envious that they can eat more food than you but, why is that enviable?

And basically, it comes down to this.

They get to experience more food pleasure than you do.

You probably think that if they get to eat more, they get more pleasure. That’s what you’re envious of.

But that doesn’t have to be true.

More doesn’t always mean more.

More food doesn’t always mean more pleasure.

Think about this. When you’re bingeing and eating an excessive amount of food, are you getting more pleasure than you would if you just overate and ate some extra?

Personally, I’d say no. I’d eat more food when I’d binge but most of that wasn’t actually pleasurable.

I was barely tasting some of it, I felt rushed, I felt out of control, and afterward I felt awful.

The binge wasn’t devoid of pleasure but, it wasn’t all pleasurable. Most of it wasn’t.

More food doesn’t equal more pleasure.

This is because most of the pleasure you are experiencing while you’re eating is coming from your thoughts about what you’re eating. Yes you’re experiencing a chemical reaction in your brain that is lighting up the pleasure centers but, if you’re not thinking pleasurably about the food, if you’re not actually taking time with the food and tasting it, you’re not going to experience as much pleasure as you would if you did think about it, did take your time with it, and did taste it.

This is something I see some people experience all the time in the Joy Food Eating Workshops that I do in my Stop Binge Eating Program. They’re eating a food they’ve binged on so many times and this time, in the workshop, they’re getting more pleasure from that food than they ever have before. It’s not because of how much they’re eating, they’re eating way less than they would if they were bingeing, but they’re getting so much more pleasure out of the experience. And because they are, they stop after eating a moderate amount and are satisfied with the pleasure they experienced. They don’t need to have more because they’ve had so much pleasure in that smaller amount.

More doesn’t always mean more pleasure.

You’ve probably had non food related experiences where you’ve seen that more isn’t always going to be more pleasurable because there is a point where you’ve had enough pleasure and times when more simply wouldn’t be more pleasurable. Maybe you’re ready to move on.

Like if you’re on a trip and you’re ready to go home. More time on the trip wouldn’t bring more pleasure because you’re desiring going home. You had a fantastic time but, you’ve had enough.

Or similarly, you’re at a party and you’re tired and staying longer wouldn’t really be more pleasurable, it would be more draining. That could be comparable to when you’re eating past fullness where you’re eating more and making yourself feel too full, and then way too full, you might think it’s going to add pleasure but will actually cause you to experience the opposite.

In so many cases, including eating food, most of the pleasure is going to be experienced in the moderate amount, not in the large amount.

But you may then look at just a regular eating situation, where a person isn’t even overeating but is eating more than you are and you think that they are getting more pleasure.

But, that doesn’t have to be the case.

You can eat different amounts of food and experience the same amount of pleasure.

You could eat one piece of cake and they could eat two and you could both experience a lot of pleasure.

And actually, you could be experiencing more if you love on that cake, savor it, and enjoy the crap out of it while that other person is eating their pieces without really paying attention to them.

The amount of pleasure you experience is going to come from your mind, not necessarily the amount.

So you eating less doesn’t mean you’re having a lesser experience.

But you will if while you’re eating you’re thinking it’s not fair you can’t have more and are feeling envious.

That envy is for sure going to take pleasure away from you.

Instead, you could love even eating the food at all. You could love what you’re choosing to eat. And you could get maximum pleasure from it, even if it’s a smaller amount than that other person is eating.

But what if it’s not the amount of food but, the food itself? Let’s say you’ve chosen a different, healthier option, and you’re watching the other person eat something you wish you were eating, and you are thinking it’s unfair that they can eat it and you can’t.

If that’s the case know that you actually can.

You can eat what they’re eating. It is fair, because you both have the option of eating it. If you’ve chosen not to for reasons that you like, then own that decision. If you’ve chosen not to because you think you can’t eat it, or if your reasons are ones that are based in diet mentality and rules that you don’t want to follow, then you need to check yourself because you can eat it. Again, it is an option and you get to chose it if you want to. Any reason you have for why you can’t just isn’t true. The option is there and you get to make a choice. That’s why it’s so important to make sure you like your reasons and that your reasons are your own. Otherwise, you’re going to feel like a victim when you’re really not.

It is fair, you can have what you want, and if you want it, eat it. And if you don’t eat it, make sure you like your reasons for saying no.

Make sure you’re not being overly restrictive with yourself because you think you have to be. You don’t.

But when it comes to amounts of foods, that’s when we need to acknowledge that yeah, maybe it’s not best for your body if you eat as much as that other person and that’s okay because you can still get so much pleasure from a smaller amount.

You can enjoy the crap out of it and get so much pleasure no matter how much you eat.

That’s what people do when they only have one bite and are satisfied. They get as much pleasure, mentally, as they can when eating that bite because they are loving on that bite and are squeezing all the pleasure they can out of it.

And it can be just as enjoyable as several bites.

It’s like when I go to a party, I may have the same amount of fun in a couple hours as a person who stays for several hours because I’m making the most of the time I have and getting as much pleasure in the time I have while that person may be spending a couple hours total having fun and a few total hours feeling kinda bored or tired.

Pleasure is going to be found in the mind, not in the amount so you don’t have to think you’re getting less just because you’re eating less. You can have the same.

Okay, so that’s that first thing you’re going to work on. The envy.

Then there’s the resentment with your body.

You might be angry at your body about how much food it can comfortably consume, or for how it gains or loses weight.

And like I said before, this is not going to promote a healthy relationship with your body. It’s not going to feel good if you are resentful toward your body.

And honestly, your body doesn’t deserve it.

Your body is just doing what it was designed to do. Your body is just doing it’s job. It’s just doing what it was made to do.

Every body is different and this is how your unique body is.

You might think it should be different or that it should be like someone else’s but it shouldn’t.

It should be like it is simply because this is how it is.

So the best option would be for you to accept this.

You can argue with it but, you’ll lose.

Or you can agree with it and, stop feeling resentment and frustration.

And when you choose to agree with how you body is, and accept your body as it is, you can be at peace with your body and be more willing to go along with what’s best for it.

You can more calmly choose to eat amounts that are what’s best for it instead of getting mad and rebelliously stuffing it full, making you and it feel terrible.

The resentment will most likely lead to rebellion while acceptance will most likely lead to peace and comfort.

So instead of wishing your body was different, or getting mad about the way it is, you can accept that your body is how your body is.

It’s not supposed to be the same as everyone else’s. It’s supposed to be how it is.

Different bodies metabolize differently and have different genetics and that’s okay.

Especially because you can experience the same amount of food pleasure as other people no matter how your body is.

So you’re going to get as much pleasure as you can from whatever amount of food you’re eating, you’re going to accept how your body functions, and you’re also going to work on desiring eating less food.

Part of that decrease of desire is going to come from acknowledging that more isn’t always better. You won’t have such a strong desire for more if you see that more isn’t any better, and therefore not more desirable than a moderate amount.

It’s also going to come from acknowledging what really happens when you eat a lot and what the negative consequences of eating a lot is, if there are any for you.

Too often, when we think about eating a lot of something, we only think about how good it will taste and how good it will feel. But in reality, a lot results in not feeling good. When we acknowledge that the ultimate outcome actually isn’t desirable, then our desire decreases.

I like to use heroin as an extreme example where yeah, they say it’s the best feeling in the world but most of us have zero desire to do it because of the ultimate outcome that we’ll experience if we do it.

Our desire is at a zero because we’re telling ourselves the whole story of doing heroin, instead of just the good part.

With eating a lot of food, we tend to tell ourselves only the good part, the part where it feels good, which makes it desirable, instead of telling the whole story which makes it undesirable.

You might tell yourself the whole story after you do it or when you’re just thinking about it but, you need to be honest with yourself when your brain is telling you to do it, and how good it’s gonna feel. You have to tell yourself that a lot is not going to be good, and get specific about why.

And the other parts of how you’re going to decrease your desire for a lot of food include not overly restricting foods and being willing to feel your emotions.

So much of people’s desire to eat a lot comes as a reaction to deprivation. If you’re depriving yourself of what you want, you’ll feel an urge to eat a lot of it. If you’re depriving yourself and you stop, you’ll be able to just eat moderate amounts and be cool with it. So allow yourself to eat the foods you want to eat. As one of my group members recently sad, “the more you allow, the less you eat.” It really is true because you don’t have that rebellious deprivation reaction when you’re allowing everything. You’re so much calmer with food when you’re allowing everything.

And so much of people’s desire to eat a lot also comes from not wanting to feel uncomfortable emotions, and the more emotions they feel the more they want to eat. So if you’re willing to feel all emotions, then you won’t feel an urge to eat a lot when you’re feeling an emotion. You’ll just feel it. So feel the feelings. Most likely, it won’t be as bad as you’ve been thinking it will be.

So that is how you’re going to overcome this belief that it’s unfair that other people can eat more than you.

You’re going to work on getting more pleasure out of less.

You’re going to accept your body as it is.

And you’re going to work on decreasing your desire to eat a lot in the first place.

And I also want to mention that we’ll be working on some of this in the Drop Your Diet Mentality Workshop on the 10^th so come work on it with me. Again, the page where you can register for the live workshop and the limited-time recording is coachkir.com/workshop.

Alright, that’s all for today, bye bye.

And I’ll talk to you next time. Bye bye.