Ep #97: Believing Good Feelings Are Coming

Hello! What is up? How’s it goin’? I’m doing great, thank you for asking. It’s been so warm here, I’ve been loving spending more time outside in the fresh air, and I’ve been able to see some people I haven’t seen in awhile. Yay for less restrictions!

Alright, so today we’re gonna talk about good feelings, but first, the feelings you don’t want to be feeling.

Have you ever felt an urge to binge and thought it was going to last forever if you didn’t eat? Or maybe not forever, that’s a little much, but that you’ll feel it for the days ahead or for at least the rest of the day?

You think that if you don’t eat the food you’re urging and craving for, then the urge will persist and you won’t stop thinking about it, it will be all you think about and you will feel uncomfortable indefinitely and so you just need to eat the food to stop it all.

It’s either a never ending urge or eat the food.

This is what led me to binge probably most of the time. The urge was intense and I didn’t believe it would go away unless I ate. I didn’t believe that if I sat with it long enough that it would go away and that I’d feel better on the other side. I really did believe that since it was there, it was there to stay.

I thought this way about cravings too. I’d think that if I didn’t give in to my craving for something then it would keep coming up every day until I ate it. So I’d just give in to the craving and eat it. Get it over with.

But it’s not just urges and cravings where this can show up, it can happen with any emotion.

Have you ever felt sad, heart broken, lonely, angry, grief, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, and you believed it wouldn’t go away?

I think a lot of us can relate to this with heart break and grief. We may think that we’re never going to get over it and are going to feel that feeling forever.

Urges, cravings, and negative emotions are a part of life and if when you feel them you don’t believe they’re going to go away any time soon then you probably won’t be willing to feel them for long.

You won’t be willing to just be with the feeling until it passes because you’re too uncomfortable and you’re not willing to be uncomfortable indefinitely since in your mind, indefinitely is going to be a long time.

As I’ve talked about many times on this podcast, if you want to stop bingeing, you have to be willing to allow your urges and feelings. You have to be willing to feel an urge all the way through to the other side.

In order to do this, you must believe that it will be worth it.

If you don’t believe that comfort and good feelings are on the other side of that urge then you’re not going believe it’s worth it.

Sometimes we get this idea that it’s not going to get better. That’s what would happen to me.

You think it’s going to last for too long.

You’ve had enough, you want to be done with the feeling, you can’t take it any longer, so you’re out. You’re done and you’re going to eat to feel better.

Whether it’s urges, cravings, or emotions, there may be times when you don’t believe it will end soon enough.

Especially if you think the urges, cravings, and emotions are happening too often. You start believing that there’s just not going to come a long enough time where you’re not feeling an urge and you’re sick of it.

There may also be times when you just don’t think there’s enough positive emotion and comfort in your life so you’re not willing to experience one more second of the negativity and discomfort.

I think that’s a big one for some people.

I had a client not long ago who experienced a lot of stress and overwhelm with her work. It was so hard for her to allow the negative feelings and urges and believe there were good feelings coming because she was experiencing so much of the negative, uncomfortable ones.

She didn’t have belief that good feelings were coming and therefore found a quick and easy way to get some, which of course was bingeing.

What’s the crazy downside of that is now she’s creating more negative in her life. Now she’s dealing with the after effects of bingeing. She was unhappy with the amount of positivity in her life, the amount of good feelings and comfort in her life, so she ate to get it and ended up creating less good and comfort and positivity because of how she felt after the binge.

I get it, a lot of people feel a lot of stress about their jobs and lives.

But here’s what you need to know about that.

That stress is self-created. It’s never the circumstances of our lives, our jobs, our families that cause us to feel stressed. It’s always us.

That stress my client felt, she created that.

I’ve talked before about life being 50/50. It’s not supposed to be all happy and joyful. But, it also doesn’t have to be all stressful and overwhelming.

That is completely optional. So if you’re finding that your life is higher on the negative side, that it’s creeping up higher past the 50%, then you have some work to do on your thinking.

I know that if this is you that you might want to argue with me on this and tell me about how you’re different and how there’s no way you could feel less stressed at your job because of all the reasons. But if you and I were to have a coaching session together, I would challenge you on all of it.

Your workload doesn’t stress you out, it’s how you think about it. It’s the difference between thinking “there’s too much work and not enough time” versus, “I got this.”

Your boss doesn’t stress you out. It’s the difference between “I can never make her happy” versus “I know I’m doing a great job no matter how she responds.”

A lot of the time we don’t just naturally live in a 50/50 world. If you don’t manage your thinking, that negative side is going to increase.

Sometimes it takes some effort to think differently about our circumstances. Sometimes we have to purposefully and consciously think more neutrally or positively so we don’t feel so crappy.

So instead of just waiting for things to get better, make them better. Think what you want to think deliberately.

But also know that even when you’re practicing this, it’s still not going to be sunshine and daisies all the time. That’s not real life.

So definitely work on your thinking so you can create more positivity in your life. That is absolutely something you have some control over.

But regardless of how much negative emotion and how many urges you feel, none of it will last forever.

You feel how you feel because of what you’re thinking. Your thoughts cause your feelings and you’re not going to think the same thoughts forever. Also, your thoughts don’t always carry the same emotional intensity.

At first, you may think about missing someone and feel deeply sad, but then later miss them and still feel sad but not as intensely.

If you can believe that your feelings won’t always be as intense then you’ll be much more willing to feel them.

I know it can be hard in the moment, things don’t seem temporary when you’re in it and there’s uncertainty about how long it will actually last, but these are the moments where you can remind yourself of a time in your past when you felt a strong feeling that eventually went away.

You made it through that one, you can make it through this one.

And if you’re truly willing to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, then it won’t matter how long it lasts.

If you can do sad, then sad can come and go as long as it does and you’ll be able to feel it through.

If you can do an urge, then they can keep coming up and you can keep going through them.

But you need to remember that good is coming. You’re not destined to experience a life of only urges and negative emotion.

Not only are all of our feelings temporary but we also have the ability to actually create positive emotion.

But sometimes you gotta go through the negative and the urges first.

When you can really believe that it won’t last forever and that good is coming, that’s when you’ll be much more willing to feel it.

If you don’t believe the good feelings are coming then you won’t be willing to wait. You’re going to rush into supposed good, the binge.

How I like to think about this is comparing it to vacation.

If you have a vacation coming up, you’ll be more willing to stay on track with your work and life things. You’re more willing to work hard so you can play hard.

But if you have nothing coming up, there is no vacation on the horizon, not even one planned months from now, then you’re going to be more likely to take mini vacations along the way that are going to interrupt your productivity. There’s no big rest period coming so you’re just going to keep creating little, unplanned, impulsive ones that you’re later going to wish you hadn’t taken because now you’re behind on everything.

If you want more positivity and comfort in your life, set your life up to have more positivity by planning, managing your mind and creating that space for yourself.

Back in the pleasure scarcity episode, number 93, I talked about this a little too. Give yourself something to look forward to. Create space in your life for a break, for you time, for a reset and rejuvenation.

That all being said, with the vacation, it can be more tangible. You can plan it out and see it on your calendar to give you that belief that good times are coming.

With the feelings, it may not be so tangible. It’s just going to have to come from you belief, without evidence, that they will come. But let’s also remember, you do have some past evidence that negative feelings don’t last forever. There are times when you feel good, when you’re smiling, when you’re laughing.

Even in the moments of stress, sadness, loneliness, and overwhelm, those sparks of joy can still happen if you look for them and create them.

I remember having a really difficult conversation with a loved one and I had tears flowing and even in the midst of my sadness and confusion I was feeling at the time, there was some smiles and laughter. There was some comic relief.

I remember working in restaurants when we were crazy busy and my stress was high and there were still moments of joy sometimes when I’d talk to my co-workers or the guests.

It’s not all bad. It may be hard to believe when you’re in it, but it’s not going to last forever.

We don’t feel discomfort forever.

It’s all temporary and you have the ability to create, with your mind, more positiveness, comfort, and good feelings if you want more.

Believe the good and the comfort is coming and you’ll be much more willing to go through the discomfort and the ick.

Believe and go through it this week. Talk to you next time. Bye bye.