Ep #40: Your Relationship With Yourself

Hey! How are you today? Really though, how are you? Take a moment and answer honestly because I really do care. I really want to know. Want to know why I want to know? Because I care about you. I want to have a good relationship with you and me asking how you are and genuinely caring how you are is an important piece of that.

One of the most important relationships you will ever have, I might even be as bold to say themost important, is with yourself.

So how would you say yours is?

I’ve always considered myself to have a good relationship with myself, even back when I was binge eating. I thought I was awesome and I liked being with myself. I thought that was pretty much what it was all about.

But I don’t think it is. Yes my general thoughts about myself were pretty good, sometimes even great, but sometimes not so much. Overall, there was so much more I could have been doing. I know this because had I done what it takes to have a better relationship with myself then it’s possible I wouldn’t have done what I did.

You may also think you have a great relationship with yourself. I’ve talked with many people who are confused as to why they binge since they also like themselves and their lives. But again, it takes more than liking to have a good relationship.

Consider your relationships with other people. Liking them and having pleasant thoughts about them for sure is what begins it all, it’s what causes you to want to have a relationship with them, but if you want it to be an amazing relationship, there’s some things you gotta do.

Have you ever had that friend who you really like but isn’t reliable and isn’t honest with you and puts you down? That’s just not the kind of person who I want to spend my time with. They may have a fun personality, but when it comes to how they show up for me and how they treat me, I’m just not interested in that.

Have you ever been that person? Have you been the person who hasn’t shown up in an ideal way for another person?

What I find so interesting is that most people would say no, that they almost always show up as a fantastic friend, significant other, family member, co-worker, boss, whatever the relationship may be. Except maybe if they’ve binged because that usually changes what we do.

But what about for yourself? Do you always show up for yourself?

When you have a strong relationship with yourself, you’ll be less likely to do things that are harmful to yourself and more likely to do things that will benefit you and serve you well.

Just like if you have a strong relationship with someone else you’re less likely to be harmful towards them and more likely to help them.

So where does it all start? How is a strong relationship built?

Well, like with everything, it all starts with what you think about the person you have the relationship with so in this case, yourself.

How you think about yourself is what will determine how you show up for yourself. Remember, thoughts cause feelings which drive your actions. So if you’re not showing up for yourself in the way you want to, it’s because of what you’re thinking about yourself.

So what kind of thoughts might be ruining your relationship with yourself and stopping it from being better than ever?

Judgmental ones, dissatisfied ones, apathetic ones, dishonest ones, mean ones, you see where I’m going with this.

How could you possibly build a relationship with someone if you’re thinking these kinds of thoughts? And why in the world would you want to have a relationship with someone who thinks that way about you?

What’s so interesting is that when it comes to another person, we have no idea what they’re thinking about us. Even if they tell us, we still don’t know if what they tell us is the truth, some version of what they really think, or completely false. So we have the option of believing whatever we want, and thinking whatever we want about them, and our relationship with them can be whatever we want it to be.

We can think it’s solid because our relationships are just our thoughts about the person, and how we show up is a reflection of that.

You and I are a perfect example of this, how our thoughts define our relationship. I think my relationship with you is amazing. I love you and I think you’re awesome exactly as you are, binge eating and all, I believe I can trust you and I can be vulnerable with you and share my personal stories, I care about you, and because of all this, I show up every week and give you my help. Many of you listening, I have never even spoken to and with the ones I have, most of them I’ve never met in person. But I still think these thoughts about each and every one of you which creates a great relationship in my perspective.

Then let’s flip it. What is your relationship with me? Again, we may have never spoken, and if we haven’t, what the heck? Come work with me already! It’s so fun. But really, I bet you have some thoughts about me that make you feel like you have a relationship with me. I feel like I have relationships with my teachers who I’ve never met too! And it is all because of our thoughts we think about them.

So if you don’t have a great relationship with yourself, it’s because of all those negative thoughts you’re thinking about yourself. You may not think you have them, or maybe you’re fully aware of them, but regardless, they are there.

Whatever they are, they are most likely you judging you for the way you are and you wanting you to be different. That is not the way to build a good relationship.

You don’t like your own thoughts, feelings, and actions and therefore you try to ignore them and you lie to yourself to justify ignoring them and you beat yourself up when you think, feel, or do something you think is wrong. You hold grudges and break commitments and tell yourself you don’t matter and say you don’t care.

How would you like it if someone did all those things to you? I bet you’d stay far far away from them and probably not like them very much too.

So when you do that to yourself, any of those things, you will begin to distance yourself from yourself, lose your connection with yourself, and really lose sight of yourself. You don’t want to be around yourself anymore and that’s when you’ll start to numb out with food so you can just ignore everything.

So how do you know how good your relationship with yourself is? Here are some ways to find out.

Do you accept yourself for who you are or do you wish you were different?

Do you trust yourself and have integrity with yourself?

Do you get vulnerable with yourself? Meaning, do you allow yourself to think and feel the way you do or do you close off and eat to ignore your thoughts and feelings?

Are you honest with yourself? Do you tell yourself the truth or deceptive lies that lead you to binge?

Are you kind with yourself if you eat too much or do you beat yourself up for it?

Do you forgive yourself when you make mistakes or make those mistakes mean bad things about yourself?

Really think about these and see where you’re at with yourself for each one.

Building a strong, awesome, loving relationship with yourself can be a big undertaking. Sometimes it’s identity shifting and that can really blow your mind and twist your brain. It can be hard to open up to yourself and drop your lies and forgive and accept yourself. It can be amazing and confusing at the same time.

But in the end, it’s what will generate more happiness in your life. It will free you from a lot of self-loathing, self-sabotage, and broken commitments.

You’ll be more willing to relax with yourself and be with yourself no matter what’s going on and not feel the need to use food to escape or distract.

You’ll enjoy yourself more and get to know yourself and have a better understanding of your needs.

Most importantly, you’ll care.

You’ll care about your thoughts and feelings and you’ll take time to look at them and work on them instead of ignoring and avoiding them.

You’ll care about what you do instead of just throwing in the towel when you’re tired or when things get hard.

You’ll care about yourself and love yourself unconditionally, that’s with zero conditions because nothing you do will ever diminish your lovableness.

Self-talk is a huge part of your binge eating work. It is what will determine how you feel as you do the work and if you want to feel positively, then you have to self-talk positively.

Instead of beating yourself down, lift yourself up. Be loving, encouraging, and acknowledge yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back, and take time to connect with yourself, and for goodness sake, be nice.

Acceptance, trust, vulnerability, honesty, kindness, forgiveness, love. That’s what it’s all about!

Anything you’d want from someone else, give it to yourself and be open to receiving it. You deserve it. You’re worthy of it.

And these are not things to just do for a little bit and then forget about them. No way. Your relationship with yourself is one to be nurtured forever. This is the one and only relationship with a person that you will ever be able to have authority over both sides. With other people, you have zero authority over what they choose to do. Take advantage of that in your self-relationship and be the person who you want to spend time with and who you want to help and who you want to care for, so then you will do all of that for yourself.

Your relationship with yourself is always going to begin with your thoughts about yourself. From there, you’ll either be driven to do amazing things for yourself or not so amazing things. If you ever notice yourself not following through on what you said you’d do, trying to escape from yourself, or talking down to yourself, take a moment to see where it’s coming from. Why do those things? There just might be, and probably is, some kind of negative thoughts about yourself behind it all.

So if you want to show up for yourself the way you show up for others, or the way you would want others to show up for you, then you have to start with accepting all that is you and be open to connecting with yourself.

Listen, check in, pay attention, ask how you’re doing, give yourself what you need, and give yourself what you truly want.

You just may find out how fantastic you truly are and never want to run away from yourself or disconnect from yourself ever again.

Now before I go, remember how I talked about our relationship, me and you? Well, if you really do like me as much as I like you, which, really, I love you! Then would you be so kind as to write me a review on iTunes? It would be such a wonderful way to show your appreciation for the 40 episodes of goodness I’ve given you so far! Thanks so much you fabulous human being you!

Now go be with yourself and love it! I’ll talk to you next time, bye bye!