Ep #115: Coaching Session with Jennifer – Giving Up

Hi! I’m so excited to share today’s episode with you. I recently had a coaching call with one of my groups and one of the women who got coached was struggling with some things that I think a lot of you struggle with too.

So I felt like I had to share her portion of the call on the podcast so you can all benefit from the coaching she received.

When I first brought her on to be coached, as you’ll hear, she was just in the thick of it. She had a lot going on in her life and it was making it hard for her to focus on her work to stop binge eating. Although she’s been making awesome progress in the group, there are too many times she keeps giving up on herself, and she wanted to stop it.

So in this coaching session, you’ll hear why she keeps giving up and how I coach her to help her to stay in the game in the midst of her busy life and how to feel less overwhelmed with all the things going on.

I also want to mention that her son was at home and he was present in the background so if you hear us laughing a little for seemingly no reason, he’s probably the cause of it. I did my best to edit out any interruptions we had, for time’s sake, but she did great and we stayed focused even with her special guest present. Gotta do the best we can during virtual school and days off, right?

So here is my call with Jennifer. I want you to listen and see how you can apply what you learn to your own circumstances and your own life. I have no doubt you’ll find some similarities. Enjoy!

Kirstin:

Hi.

Jennifer:

Hi.

Kirstin:

How are you?

Jennifer:

Just, fine. I, man, I got a lot going on. We had a parent teacher conference and had meetings.

Kirstin:

How fun. Look at you.

Jennifer:

Yeah, it is so inspirational hearing how good everyone is doing. And I feel like I am still … I’m doing better but I know that there’s improvements. But I feel like I’m still struggling a bit.

Kirstin:

Yeah, what do you feel like you’re struggling with? Like what’s the main thing?

Jennifer:

I know exactly what it is. Like I wrote it down this morning. And it’s like I just get tired. And I just give up. Like sometimes it feels like one more thing on my plate. Like literally and figuratively. You know what I mean? It’s like one more thing to deal with. Sometimes I don’t have … I feel like I’m spread so thin. And dealing with the urge is too much.

Jennifer:

Yeah. I think that’s … And I know. And it feels like, gosh I started this journey at maybe the hardest time that it would ever be to stop binging. And so it feels like I’m going against the current a lot of days. And I just let go.

Kirstin:

Yeah, why does it feel that way?

Jennifer:

I’m mentally done some days in every which way. And so having to sit there and tell myself no and sit through the urge is … And I give up. It’s like decisional fatigue. That’s where I am sometimes where like they say that that’s why they put the candy bars at the register because by the time we get to the register, you don’t care anymore and you just give up. And your brain’s like whatever, I give up. I’m just going to go. I’m just going to do this.

Kirstin:

Yeah. But why do you think we stop caring and give up?

Jennifer:

It’s definitely my thoughts. Like I’m like you’ve done enough today. You can’t handle another thing. Or it’s like you know what? You’re doing the best you can and maybe you just can’t do this today.

Kirstin:

So you’re stopping believing in yourself.

Jennifer:

I am. I am. And I … Or even like I think I deserve it, having juggled all these things all day. I also tell myself that I deserve it and it’s fine.

Kirstin:

Okay, so then there’s two things happening here. Okay? Which is the two reasons why we give up. Because you stop thinking about why it’s important and you stop believing that you can do it. So whenever you tell yourself it’s fine. I deserve this. All of these things. You’re making up excuses to not do it. And you’re saying that it’s fine because you’re not thinking about why it’s not fine.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right, like if you really thought about what you want and why you want to say no and why you want to allow urges and think on purpose and do all of these things. If you really thought about why it’s important for you to do that, you wouldn’t be able to say it’s fine. Right? You just let all your reasons go out the window.

Jennifer:

I do. And it’s like … And I have done the work and so I see myself doing it. But it’s just like I refuse to think about it for some reason … Do you know … I … And-

Kirstin:

Because it’s easier not to.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Because if you don’t think about it, then you could just go eat the food and do all the things.

Jennifer:

Yeah, yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? You have to want to do the work. And you’re going to want to do it if you’re thinking about why it’s beneficial for you to do it. And also what will happen if you don’t.

Jennifer:

Yeah, yeah. I listened to your last podcast about feeling empowered and remembering that I’m in control and that I can do it, I think.

Kirstin:

Yeah, I mean that’s the other part of it.

Jennifer:

Like I think that’s my thought it’s just like I’m like “Well, I can’t.”

Kirstin:

Yeah, so there’s the part where you’re not remembering what you want and why you want it and all of that. And then there’s the other part, the second part. The belief where you’re like, “I just can’t do it.”

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

“I can’t handle another thing today.” You can’t do this today. But why? Why can’t you?

Jennifer:

Yeah. I can, I’m just refusing.

Kirstin:

Yeah.

Jennifer:

To me, I’m just taking that thing off my list when-

Kirstin:

Yeah. And you’re taking it off because you’re not thinking about why it’s so important.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Would you take off feeding your son?

Jennifer:

No.

Kirstin:

No.

Jennifer:

Yeah-

Kirstin:

You’re like I don’t want to cook a meal. I don’t want to even put anything on a plate. I don’t want to drive to a restaurant.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

I just don’t want to any of that. He’s just not going to eat tonight. You would never do that.

Jennifer:

No. Yeah, I need to re-prioritize a bit.

Kirstin:

Yeah. And I know that there’s things, right? Like there’s things going on. And that’s when you’re like I’m spread thin. It’s just one more thing on my plate. Like you’re imagining this plate that’s just like piling up with all of the things. But and I think that … I don’t know if it was you and I that talked about this previously, but I feel like it was. Where you’re just going to separate out what’s really going on.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? Like what actually is on your plate?

Jennifer:

A lot.

Kirstin:

Yeah.

Jennifer:

A lot.

Kirstin:

Okay, but here’s, but this is exactly where you’re getting yourself. I’m like, “What’s on this plate?” You’re like, “A lot.” When you think a lot is on your plate, how do you feel?

Jennifer:

Overwhelmed, yeah. A lot of anxiety.

Kirstin:

Yes. Right, no wonder you’re so tired.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Feeling overwhelmed all the time. And feeling anxious all the time is exhausting. And you’re creating that. You think that all the things in your life are creating the overwhelm and the exhaustion and the anxiety. Right? You think it’s a fact that there is a lot of stuff.

Jennifer:

Yeah, I do.

Kirstin:

It is not a fact. That is completely subjective. Because you could sit here and you could tell me … Actually, I want you to do that. Tell me all of these things.

Jennifer:

Okay. Oh no.

Kirstin:

What is a lot on your plate? Tell me the things.

Jennifer:

Well, having my son running around the background, virtual school full time. I’m taking the first part of the CPA in a few weeks. Closing out my company’s biggest grant this month. Gosh, I can’t … Just lots of meetings at work. Work’s a big thing right now. And then navigating … I have a friend who has cancer. And then yeah, my social life somewhere in there. But yeah. I think that summarizes most of it.

Kirstin:

Okay. Is there time for all of those things?

Jennifer:

I mean some things have to go. My social life has to take a back seat this month because there’s just not time for it.

Kirstin:

Are you okay with that?

Jennifer:

I am. It’s temporary. I know that it’s a temporary thing so it’s okay. I mean it makes it a little more dreary, but it’s-

Kirstin:

But is there anyway we could make it work? Like do we have to completely cut out the social life?

Jennifer:

I mean I-

Kirstin:

I mean it’s not like you have to go take day trips with the girls, right?

Jennifer:

Yeah, I could make it a little bit in there. Just not very much. It’s very much like this is the last few weeks I have to study so all my free time goes there.

Kirstin:

Yeah. But I want you to watch out for is just completely filling your life with productivity and busyness and work, work, work, work, work. Because where’s the pleasure?

Jennifer:

Yeah. Well and that’s where I end up.

Kirstin:

Eating the food.

Jennifer:

Exactly.

Kirstin:

Yeah.

Jennifer:

Because that’s where I’m going to go because I don’t have much.

Kirstin:

Right. Because we all desire pleasure. All of us. It’s just part of who we are as humans. As animals, really. We seek pleasure. And I think it’s really important for our well beings to have that pleasure. And whether you make time for healthy pleasure or not, you’re going to get the urge for it. And then you’re going to seek out the easiest, quickest way possible. Then you’re like, “I’lI just eat this thing and be done in 10 minutes and that will be pleasure.” Right? And you end up doing that every day and then 10 minutes every day. I mean that’s an hour that you could have spent with a friend.

Jennifer:

That’s true. Even if it’s just a phone call.

Kirstin:

Yeah, let’s hop on Zoom. Let’s do Skype. Let’s FaceTime, whatever it is.

Jennifer:

Yeah, yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? You take those 10 minutes of eating every day or whatever it is, they add up. So you have the time for it, you’re just not using it in the way that you would like to use it.

Jennifer:

Yeah, I am. I am just letting myself give up. And not even attempting to … I mean not all days. Like I’m still doing better, but I would like to be doing even better than I am.

Kirstin:

Yeah, yeah. So you’re going to do better by making sure that your foundation is set. And the foundation, and everybody needs to hear this too, the foundation for all of this work is your compelling reasons why and your belief in yourself. Once one of those starts to go, the giving up begins.

Kirstin:

And that’s why those are on the daily check in because they’re so important and you’re doing both of them, right?

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

You’re like, “Well, I can’t do it and it doesn’t matter so let’s just eat.”

Jennifer:

Yeah, yeah. I am … Yeah, yeah.

Kirstin:

You can do it and it does matter. You have good reasons. You’ve proven you can do it. You have done amazing work here, right? But then what happens is you create all of this overwhelm that just exhausts you and it makes it harder to do all this work.

Jennifer:

Yeah. And yeah, I think that that would be a good idea is to … In the mornings, I’ve written down my eating plan for the day. But I need to set my intention as well.

Kirstin:

So because here’s the thing. I look at your list, okay. I look at your list. You have your son running around. You have virtual school. You have the first part of your CPA in a few weeks. You’re closing out your company’s biggest grant. You have meetings. You have a friend that you want to support and be there for who has cancer. And you have a social life, okay? I look at that list. I don’t look at it and go, “That’s a lot.” I look at that list and my first thought is, “How can we make this work?”

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

That’s what I think when I look at it. “How can we make time for all of this?”

Jennifer:

Yeah, I do. Instead of just putting my little food thing together, it would be very helpful if I just had my list for the day.

Kirstin:

And not even that-

Jennifer:

And my intention.

Kirstin:

Yeah. And even taking that to the next level is scheduling out your day. When are we going to study for the CPA stuff? When are we going to work on that? When is virtual school? When are you making time for that?

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? When is that happening? When are you working on the company’s grant? When are the meetings?

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

When are you going to talk with your friends that need your support or want your support? And when are you going to make that time to talk with another friend on Zoom? Or have her come over if you’re okay with that. I don’t know. People have different things.

Jennifer:

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Kirstin:

Whatever you’re comfortable with. But it’s making the time for that. Because when you have it all scheduled out and you’re able to see that there is time for everything. And this is when it’s going to get done. Then it’s so much easier to look at it and be like, “All right.”

Jennifer:

Yeah, that’s true. I think instead of it floating around in my head which I’ve been letting it do. And I know we’ve talked about this before. And I felt like I got better at it for a little while and was like … And then I’ve moved away. But I need that reminder that if I write it down and see that there is enough time, yeah I think that visual will really help.

Kirstin:

Yeah, and you also know when it’s going to get done.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Because in your mind right now, you’re like, “Well, I can’t hang out with my friends because I got to do my work.” And it’s like what if you could do both?

Jennifer:

Right.

Kirstin:

Because in your mind it’s this whole chunk of time is being taken up by work. You might not even need as much as you’re making it out to be in your head.

Jennifer:

Yeah, like if I … And it’s true. It’s true. If I could just sit down, focus, know I have this much time for it, I can probably get more done too.

Kirstin:

Yes.

Jennifer:

Instead of part of me worrying about the other thing that needs to be done.

Kirstin:

Yes.

Jennifer:

Which is what I do. I split and kind of, in a sense, still worry.

Kirstin:

Yeah, it’s like you’re doing this thing and then you’re worried on that thing. And then you’re not fully focused on this and it’s so exhausting because you’re going back and forth. That’s another way that you’re exhausting yourself.

Jennifer:

Yeah. But yeah. Another thing that I wrote down in my notes this morning was that eating is not relaxing. And I think in the back of my mind I still have that thought that it’s a relaxing thing to do. And that’s a thought that I need to transform.

Kirstin:

Let’s think about this though. Is eating relaxing? Like truthfully, is it?

Jennifer:

Maybe in the moment, is it? I even question is it.

Kirstin:

Because it might be. That’s why I ask you.

Jennifer:

Like because you zone out a little bit. But I guess my thing is that I have to remember … Need to remind myself that maybe it is just so momentarily. But like we talked about, it just adds to your problems later.

Kirstin:

Yeah. Yeah, and I think that that’s a really good place to go with your thoughts. Where you see it as being a momentary thing. But in the end, it’s just not what you want and it’s not what you think it is. Not really.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? Instead of trying to be like it’s not relaxing. Just be honest with yourself where you’re like, “Yeah, it is in the beginning.”

Jennifer:

Okay, maybe yeah. Also don’t lie to myself.

Kirstin:

Don’t lie … Yes. And that’s why I questioned it. It’s like we don’t want to be lying. It’s like okay. I want to try to tell myself that ice cream isn’t good. Like ice cream is not good. I want to believe that. And it’s like you’re not going. Like that’s just so untrue.

Jennifer:

Yeah. Yeah that’s true. I’ll be honest and then I’ll maybe accept it more as just-

Kirstin:

Yeah, right? Like we can say yeah, eating’s fun. Eating’s pleasurable. Right? But binging’s not. Like I used to think that eating all that food was so fun. I am so wrong.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

The actual joy food portion of it where you’re just having that serving or two or whatever it is, yeah. But a binge itself, not fun.

Jennifer:

Yeah. And I’m also trying to really write down how it feels after. I’ve been focusing on that more. Because I think if I just really remind myself. I don’t drink much anymore because just the after effects just got … It didn’t … It wasn’t worth it. How I would feel. And so I just really have to ingrain how it feels after.

Kirstin:

Yes, yes.

Jennifer:

And really solidify that for the change.

Kirstin:

Right. Because that’s how we lessen the desire. Feels bad. I don’t want to do this thing that feels bad, right? I don’t want to do heroin because of how I’m going to feel after that extreme ecstasy that I’m going to feel. Ecstasy is great. I don’t want the come down.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

I’ve seen it on movies, TV, never seen it in real life. Thank goodness. But it looks awful. I don’t want that.

Jennifer:

Yeah. And it’s, for some reason, I have to solidify it more with binging. And I’m not sure why. But I did write quite a lengthy thing today about how it feels physically and mentally. And maybe just read that every day.

Kirstin:

Yeah, just remind yourself of that. And you don’t have to read the whole thing. But just have something that really stands out to you. Like how full you’re going to feel and how uncomfortable that’s going to be. How it’s going to stop you from enjoying the rest of your day. If eat too much, I’m just dead. And I can’t even enjoy myself. It doesn’t feel good. Even if I’m too full, if I overeat too much, I just keep thinking about how uncomfortable I feel.

Jennifer:

Yeah, yeah, and I mean, I guess, is that like … Do you automatically go there now? Like if you think about a binge?

Kirstin:

Well, sometimes it’s a conversation.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

I don’t think about binging at all.

Jennifer:

You don’t?

Kirstin:

Like that’s just not even an option. I don’t even consider it. But when I think about eating more than I planned or just having that thing that’s over there or whatever. Then sometimes it’s really easy where it’s just like, no I’m not doing that. I’m going to feel awful. And sometimes it’s a conversation. Never a fight and never an argument. Always just a conversation. Why do I want it? Why do I not want it? And I justify it. And then I think about the truth, right? And it goes like that. Like it’s just a conversation. And I don’t want anybody to get so caught up in like, “I don’t want to think about it this much.” It’s like, “Well, this is your thing.”

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? Like everybody that you know has a thing that’s their way to get some extra easy pleasure. Or their way to avoid a feeling.

Jennifer:

That’s true.

Kirstin:

It could alcohol, drugs. It could excessively shopping. It could be sex. It could be just spending too much time on Facebook and Instagram and TikTok and whatever. Spending hours on there. Like everybody has a thing. This yours. And those people need to think a little bit more about those things. And for us, it’s just food. And we want to make a big deal about it, it’s just … It’s normal.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

We want pleasure. We don’t want pain.

Jennifer:

Yeah. And it’s just the rewiring, I think, that is taking me a little bit of time.

Kirstin:

Yeah. And this gets easier.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

It becomes easier.

Jennifer:

Like I definitely have thoughts of why I shouldn’t very quickly, which I didn’t before at all.

Kirstin:

Yeah, yeah.

Jennifer:

So I’m trying to really focus on that and because it is getting better. It’s just taking me a little extra time to rewire.

Kirstin:

Yeah, and that’s fine. Maybe it’s not even taking you extra time. Maybe it’s taking the exact amount of time, right? Like I don’t want you looking at other people that are doing well and be like, “Oh, well it’s taking me extra long.” It’s like no. It’s just taking you as long as it’s taking you. You don’t know where they started. You don’t know what work they’ve done. Maybe they just had less work to do. Right? Like we don’t know. And we don’t want to be comparing ourselves to other people. Like this is where you are. This is the work you had to do. Stay in your own lane.

Jennifer:

That helps because I have been. And I’ve been feeling … Because and when I start doing that, I want to give up on myself a little bit.

Kirstin:

Yeah, yeah.

Jennifer:

Like and you start to be like I’m fine.

Kirstin:

No, you have no … You don’t know where they started. Like what if you started here and they started there? You’re not behind.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

You’re going just like they are. You just have a different starting point.

Jennifer:

Yeah, that’s true. I might have more triggers or-

Kirstin:

Exactly.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Like we don’t know. Yeah, you’re all binging, but there’s so much more to the story, right? And maybe they’re just not looking at their lives saying that it’s too much and that they can’t handle it. And that they’re spread so thin, right? And then they’re overwhelming themselves. And so you got to watch out for that, absolutely.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? You have these things. You have time for all of them. Schedule them out. Make time for them. See it written in front of your face. There is time for all of these things. This is when I’m doing it. So you can stay focused on what you’re doing. And not be on your meeting and be like, “Oh my God, but when I’m going to do the CPA stuff?”

Jennifer:

That’s exactly what I need to do.

Kirstin:

Yeah, you’re in the meeting-

Jennifer:

And I think that even setting that list will be very calming, yeah.

Kirstin:

Yeah, and again, don’t just make a list. I’m doing this from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. whenever it is.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

So but here’s one thing I want to leave you with, with that especially, is that you’re going to make this plan. You’re going to schedule, “I’m going to do this at this time. This at this time and have it all scheduled out, right?”

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

And then this is going to happen.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Then you’re going to have to manage your thinking around this. It’s totally fine. How old is he?

Jennifer:

Nine. He just turned nine.

Kirstin:

He’s being a nine year old.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? This is not bad. This is not wrong.

Jennifer:

No, it’s not.

Kirstin:

It bothers you more than it bothers me.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

He’s not bothering me at all, but you’re like, “Oh my God.” All these thoughts. Right?

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

So he’s just being a nine year old, as we would expect him to be at home on a day when there’s no school.

Jennifer:

Yeah.

Kirstin:

Right? And when you can accept that, like this is how it is and know that most people don’t care, then you can just be totally calm about and be like, “Yeah, I have a nine year old jumping around. It’s what they do.”

Jennifer:

Yeah. Yes.

Kirstin:

Okay?

Jennifer:

Yes.

Kirstin:

Awesome. Well, I am so glad that you came on.

Jennifer:

Okay. Well, thank you.

Kirstin:

Yeah, you’re welcome.

Jennifer:

And my special guest.

Kirstin:

Yes. Very, very special. All right.

Jennifer:

Well, thank you. I feel calmer and I am going to do this.

Kirstin:

All right. Thanks for coming on.

Jennifer:

All right. Thank you. Bye.

Kirstin:

Bye bye.

So good right? She has to remember why this work is important to her and believe that she can do it. She also has to stop telling stories about her life that make it sound so unmanageable. She has things going on and she can make time for all of them. Scheduling them out I think is going to be super helpful for her.

And what I also want to add that I didn’t mention on this call is the importance of not just making time for socializing, but also for yourself. Take some time each day for self-care, relaxation, and you time. You have the time. Like Jennifer and I talked about, if you have 10 minutes to binge, snack, graze, whatever, then you have time to do something that’s truly fulfilling, relaxing, and that will replenish you. You have the time, use it how you really want to use it.

No matter how much you have going on in your life, you can handle it but, you need to stop telling yourself it’s too much so you can stop feeling so overwhelmed by it. You have more time than you think, especially if you stop wasting it by eating instead of doing things you really want to be doing.

Now, if you want to get coaching yourself, hear more calls like this, and be part of one of my groups, then go to coachkir.com/group. There’s so much good stuff in them, so many ways to learn and get help, not just on the calls, but with my video lessons, worksheets, bonus content, and written coaching, you get everything you need to stop binge eating.

Join me, join us, and make some serious changes. Let’s do this together.

Talk to you soon. Bye bye!