Ep #90: Coaching Session with Jenny – Changing Beliefs

Hi! I have a very special treat for you today. Recently in one of my coaching groups, I coached someone who brought up a couple topics that I thought a lot of you might also be struggling with or at least topics that are similar. So I decided, with her permission of course, to share her portion of our coaching call with all of you. Even if you’re not dealing with the exact things she’s talking about, I recommend you listen and consider your own fears and beliefs as you hear the coaching. She talks about fear of her son getting sick due to the corona virus, and of course how that can lead to eating, and we also talk about believing she really can stop binge eating.

So in this episode, not only are you going to benefit from hearing the coaching that Jenny got, you’ll get to see how helpful it can be to listen to someone else get coached, but you’ll also get to hear what coaching with me is like. I know a lot of you have never worked with a coach before and are unsure about what coaching is and how it works so today, you’re going to get a taste of it.

Also, I will be opening up another group very soon so if you’re interested in getting in on it and you’re ready to make a time and a financial investment in yourself to overcome binge eating and have a better life, make sure you sign up for a free mini session at coachkir.com/mini so we can discuss all the details, you can ask any questions you may have, and we’ll see if we’re a good fit to work together.

Now onto the coaching. Enjoy!

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Jenny: Hi!

Kirstin: Hi Jenny, how are you?

Jenny: Oh, I am sort of reeling this morning. Our son, 36, who is a nurse, about 5 minutes before the call texted us that he’s decided to go to New York City to help out. And, I feel very emotional.

Kirstin: How do you feel?

Jenny: I feel, this kid, he’s the kid that climbs mountains and rock climbs big cliffs. I live in Colorado and it’s his playground. He’s a passionate kid he’s not into a lot of things but boy he’s gonna pour himself into it. There’s some being proud that he’s willing to give himself to people in this crisis and ya know, certainly there’s some fear and oh my gosh TJ, what are you doing? So anyway, that’s how I’m coming into this call.

Kirstin: Why are you feeling fear?

Jenny: Oh, man, that’s a war zone there. He’s been on the front lines here in Denver. Ya know, a few days ago he was in the COVID ICU and this is about two hundred times more than what he’s been through here. He has a wife that’s also a nurse.

Kirstin: I want you to tell me why you’re feeling fear. What is the thought you are thinking that’s causing you to feel fearful?

Jenny: Well, what if he gets it? What if he dies?

Kirstin: Yeah. So you’re having these thoughts, “He’s gonna get it, he’s gonna die.” That is going to make you feel fearful. If you’re feeling fearful, what are you gonna do?

Jenny: Pray, respect his passion for others.

Kirstin: But hold on, I want you to think about when you’re feeling fear. When you feel fear, what do you do?

Jenny: Gosh, I’m a little out of touch with that I guess. Are you thinking if I’m gonna binge?

Kirstin: You tell me. I’m not suggesting that you do and I don’t know that you do. I’m just asking.

Jenny: Ya know, Kirstin, one time I was in a Weight Watcher meeting, I think I’ve been in Weight Watchers 13 times, and she made a list of all these emotions, ya know, procrastination, anger, being sad, mad, or glad, being happy and turning to food and she said, “You probably have a couple that you gravitate towards and I thought, “Dang!” I checked off the entire long list. Now fear is not something I think I’m real cognizant of. Let me back that up. I think that when I feel something like fear, my mind does go to, kind of a feeling of entitlement. I’m in a hard time, and another thing Kirstin I got laid of from my job yesterday so if I’m feeling fear about loss of income, fear about TJ going to New York City, I think I just feel I’m entitled to have pleasure and this is one of the easiest ways I can get it.

Kirstin: So you escape the fear like, “Let’s get out of the fear.”

Jenny: Yeah.

Kirstin: So when we talk about fear, the three reactions that people mostly do is, and you’ve heard this, it’s flight, flight or freeze. Right? We’ve heard of the fight or flight response when feel scared. Then there’s also the freeze. Right, where you’re just frozen in the fear. So it sounds like here it’s the flight. You’re feeling fearful and you’re just like, “I’m out, I’m gonna just go eat some food.” Or maybe you just start overthinking it. You just start going to the worst case scenario. But the fact here is, you son is going to New York City to help out. Then you’re thinking, “He’s gonna get it, he’s gonna die,” you’re feeling fearful, so you eat to get pleasure, or you overthink it, and then what’s the result of that for you?

Jenny: Well it has a numbing effect, it has a, I don’t know, kinda the word that I use, I just don’t feel clean in my soul. Ya know just, even though fear is hard, as you’ve already said this morning you kinda gotta feel that to do anything about it.

Kirstin: Right, and feeling fearful about him going to New York City is completely optional for you. Cause like you said, sometimes you feel proud. Right? Sometimes you’re like, “Look at him! He’s giving himself to these people in crisis. What a great young man.” But then sometimes you’re letting your brain go to that place where you’re like, “He’s gonna get it, he’s gonna die.” Now, it makes sense that your brain would go there. Our brains like to go to those places but, it’s up to you how long you stay there. Your brain goes there, he’s gonna get it, he’s gonna die, you could then stay there and then for the rest of the day feel scared and eat your scared away and then hurt yourself. Here you are worrying about him getting hurt and then you end up hurting yourself, which doesn’t help anybody.

Jenny: Yeah.

Kirstin: Or you could decide that he’s gonna be fine and think about him being fine. Do you think he’ll be fine?

Jenny: Yeah.

Kirstin: Do you really? Do you believe that? That he could be okay?

Jenny: Oh, yeah, I do, but I’m not one of these people that, ya know, that, the program and the bingeing is going so well for me but where I am probably not 100% there is, I couldn’t really say that I’m 100% sure that I can stop this completely. I’ve had so much failure and I’ve binged for 20 years. I’m not 30 years old. And I’m kinda a realist. I’m more hopeful than I’ve ever been Kirstin but, just quite honestly I don’t know that I’m a person that says, “Yeah, I really think he’ll be fine.” I mean, I do but probably not 100%.

Kirstin: Are you 100% sure he’s gonna get it and he’s gonna die?

Jenny: No, no.

Kirstin: We can’t be 100% about either of them because we don’t know.

Jenny: Yeah, he’s got a really good head on his shoulders.

Kirstin: Right? We can’t be 100% sure whether or not you’re gonna stop bingeing.

Jenny: Thanks for that, I’ve really been torn up about that. I interpreted the material that I need to be.

Kirstin: Here’s the thing. The future is unknown. We don’t know what’s gonna happen to your son. We don’t know what’s gonna happen to you. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. We don’t know what’s gonna happen to anybody.

Jenny: Okay.

Kirstin: All we have is our belief in what we want to happen.

Jenny: Yeah.

Kirstin: That’s it. We can’t have the evidence that the future will turn out okay. We just have to believe in it. And we believe in it because it feels better. It feels better to believe that he’s gonna be okay than it does to believe that he’s gonna die. It feels better to believe that you are going to overcome bingeing, no matter how many years of bingeing you have behind you, than to think that you won’t. And here’s the thing. If you think that you won’t overcome bingeing, you’re gonna feel hopeless and you’re not even gonna try because if you don’t think you can do it then you’re not gonna put in the effort. That’s why we talk about having the belief that you can because if you believe you can then you’re at least going to feel optimistic and hopeful so then you will put in some effort.

Jenny: Yeah, it really makes sense.

Kirstin: Then when it comes to your son, there’s nothing you can do either way.

Jenny: Yeah.

Kirstin: You can’t keep him safe, you can’t do anything. All you can do is choose to feel good about him going. Because if you choose to think worst case scenario, you’re gonna feel fearful and then hurt yourself because you’re gonna go eat or you’re gonna just worry yourself and then hurt yourself. But if you believe he’s willing to give himself to people in this crisis and he’s gonna be okay, he’s gonna be one of the people who makes it though this then you get to feel more hopeful and optimistic and then you just get to be calm and continue living your life.

Jenny: It’s really a wonderful thought.

Kirstin: That’s what the belief is all about. It’s not about knowing 100% it’s just believing in whatever we want to think is true to create the feeling that we want to feel to give us the result we want to get.

Jenny: That’s a new way of looking at that for me.

Kirstin: Just know that the circumstance is that he’s going. That’s the fact. We can all agree on that. Anything else is just your interpretation of that, your opinion of that, how you’re choosing to look at that. And again, your brain may just go to that worst case scenario but, it is your responsibility to then do what you want to with that thought. You keep it, you agree with it, you hold on to it, or, you dismiss it and choose what you want to be thinking instead. Because we could all be thinking that about everybody. We don’t know who has this virus. I could think I’m going to to grocery store and I’m gonna die. And that could happen. But I’m not choosing to think that. I’m choosing to think that I’m going to the grocery store, I’m gonna get my food, then I’m gonna go home, and life is gonna continue on for me and I’m gonna be fine. Otherwise I’d be so scared and I wouldn’t go.

Jenny: Yeah. Could we go through the little acronym with this for me? The circumstance is that TJ is going to New York City and the thought is…

Kirstin: The thought is, “He’s going to get it and he’s going to die.”

Jenny: I see. Okay.

Kirstin: That’s your thought. Then your feeling is fear.

Jenny: Okay.

Kirstin: Your action is that you eat to avoid the fear, to escape the fear, and you also just overthink it. And the result is that you get hurt, you hurt yourself. By thinking that he’s gonna get hurt in someway, you hurt yourself. Got it?

Jenny: Yup. I do have it.

Kirstin: Awesome So we just have a few minutes left here, do you have any questions?

Jenny: I don’t think so. That was gonna be one of the things I wanted to bring up with you was misinterpreting how I can commit 100% when I don’t know what the future holds and it just feels so very conflicted about that.

Kirstin: Yeah, we’re not gonna know.

Jenny: Yeah, we’re not gonna know. But we’re gonna believe in a great outcome.

Kirstin: Yeah, we’re gonna believe in useful beliefs. Anything that feels better than fear.

Jenny: Yeah.

Kirstin: Okay? Awesome, I’m so glad you brought that up. That was a good one.

Jenny: Thank you for the help.

Kirstin: Yeah, you’re welcome. Thank you for requesting to be coached, thank you everybody else for joining us, and you guys all have a fantastic day and I’ll talk to you all next time. Bye!

Jenny: Bye bye.