Ep #64: True and False Wants

Do you ever get confused about what you want? You’re faced with a decision to eat or not to eat, to eat more or to not eat more, to binge or not to binge, and what do you do? How do you know what you really want?

It can be confusing when your brain is telling you you want something that you also don’t want. What do you believe? In this episode, I’m helping you navigate this problem and showing you how to know and believe what you really want. No more confusing, just honesty and clarity.

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  • The difference between a true and false want
  • Why you are going after things you don’t really want
  • How to be honest and clear with yourself about what you really want
  • How to make sure you’re doing what you really want to be doing

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Hi! So, I was talking with one of my clients the other day and she told me that I don’t talk about myself enough on here. She wants updates on my life! I of course try to keep my personal stuff out of our coaching sessions because that’s their time, not mine. Although I will say sometimes it does creep in there and we get a little chatty before I rein it back in. And I also try to keep it minimal here as well because I’ve listened to podcasters that ramble on about their lives and I just want them to get to the point already! But since she asked, I will tell you what’s going on. I’m just enjoying New England in the fall! A couple weekends ago I went up to a fair in Maine that was really fun and the best part, the animals! Oh my god, the rabbits. I guess I’d never really been around any before but when I walked into the barn or whatever it was where they all were I was immediately obsessed. I had no idea how cute they are! I came very close to going home with one, but didn’t. And then last weekend my boyfriend and I went apple picking, which I hadn’t done in forever, and that was really fun. Then we, well, he, made a delicious pie with some of those apples. So yummy. And this weekend my family and I are planning to go up to a Pumpkin Festival in NH. I’m doing the fall New England things and having so much fun and on top of all of it, I get to wear boots, jeans and hoodies again…yay for colder weather!

Alright, so there you go. That’s my life right now! I hope you’re happy Judy!

Now let’s talk about wanting.

It can be rather difficult to figure out what you want when your brain is telling you two different things.

You want all the pizza and at the same time, you only want one slice.

You know you want to not binge, but right now, you really really want to binge.

So which is it? What do you believe? And do you even have an option for what you believe?

When it’s your own brain telling you what you want, it’s hard to not believe what you hear. It’s your own brain, how can you not believe what it’s telling you??

Believing everything your brain tells you is a problem.

Not everything you hear is true and just because your brain is telling you something, doesn’t mean it’s true.

We lie to ourselves quite often. Unfortunately, we don’t realize it until after we’ve followed through on that lie and experienced the consequences that we didn’t want.

Sometimes we hear ourselves say we want things, but a lot of the time it’s not what we really want for ourselves because it’s not what will help us achieve goals, or stop bingeing, or lose weight or to be happy.

It’s things that we think will make us feel better in the moment in those moments when you’re feeling an urge, tired, stressed, upset, some uncomfortable feeling that we don’t want to feel.

What you really want in that moment is to feel better. That’s all you’re thinking about. You’re not thinking about stopping binge eating or losing weight or being genuinely happier, you’re only thinking about this discomfort that you’re feeling right now and how you can get out of it asap.

This doesn’t mean you don’t want your long-term goals anymore, you still do of course, but you’re just not thinking about them.

In that moment, what you think you want is to eat the food because of what you think the food will provide you.

But if you were outside of that moment, if it were hours before or hours after, would you say the same? Or would your future or past self say they don’t want you to eat it or they don’t want you to eat more than one?

Is it what you, as your rational self in a clean, non-emotional space, would want?

This doesn’t only apply to binge behaviors, but also restricting behaviors. After you binge, and you’re making the decision to eat way less food tomorrow or to never eat the foods you binged on ever again, how are you feeling in that moment? Are you feeling calm and rational? Are you doing it from a place of loving yourself and your body? Or are you punishing yourself and trying to overcompensate because you feel guilty for what you did?

You’re telling yourself that you want to restrict to make up for the binge but is that what you really want to be doing? Is that really going to benefit you long-term?

This is another short-term solution based on how you feel. You overly restrict because you feel guilty or angry. This is how you’re responding to those feelings. You know that restricting isn’t the solution, but your emotions are driving you to do it anyway because you think it’s what you want to do to keep your weight down or protect yourself from bingeing again. When you’re in that emotional space, that is your reaction. Later on, when you’re not feeling that way anymore, you may believe differently. You’ll see what it is you really want and how you really want to be eating.

So many of you come to me talking about how you restrict and how you don’t want to because you know it’s not what you really want to be doing. Yet in those moments, you tell yourself it’s exactly what you want to do next.

Now it’s time to be very clear and honest with yourself.

What do you want? And don’t just say you want to stop binge eating.

When you’re in a clean emotional space, meaning you’re not feeling all negatively, you’re calm, you didn’t just binge, make a list of all the things you want.

These wants, that you think of in this moment, those are your true wants.

Get very clear with yourself about what you true wants are. When you’re not feeling urges and intense emotions and you’re feeling rational, your true wants are very apparent to you.

The wants that come up for you in those emotional and urging moments, I like to call those your false wants. You think you want them, but you really don’t. You really don’t want to be eating an entire pizza, you just think you do. You really want to only eat one slice, or two. You don’t really want to binge, you just think you do. You really want to be binge free.

Get out of confusion. Be honest with yourself and see your truth. Then choose to believe it, all the time.

When you hear something false, call yourself out on it.

Now, in order to do this, you again, have to be very honest and clear with yourself about what you want and think about it often, practice thinking it and make sure you’re not allowing yourself to forget it.

This can be done in two ways.

One is that you plan ahead everything you want to be eating for the day, which can include some joy foods. When you plan ahead, you’re showing yourself what you truly want for yourself. Then if you ever want to eat off that plan, it’s obvious what is a true and what is a false want. Your plan is true, your want for the brownies someone randomly offered you is false. You think you want the brownies because you’re hearing yourself think that you do and you’re feeling desire for them because you’re thinking you want them and you also think they would be a great way to relax in the midst of this hectic day.

But, is eating those brownies aligned with your goals? Is eating those brownies what you really want for yourself? Would your past self have wanted you to eat them and will your future self want you to eat them? That’s how you know your answer.

Or, if you don’t want to plan everything ahead, at least take the time to write down your main, #1 goal so you can know if your choices are aligned with it. You can also figure out an eating structure for yourself, as loosely as you want, but the more specific, the better. How many joy foods do you want to be eating each week? Or each day? And how much? And be realistic when you’re deciding this. Don’t try to jump from bingeing on chocolate everyday to saying you’re going to have one square once a week. Start where you are.

When you think ahead about the things you want and you write them down on paper, your answer for what you really, truly want is always on the paper. No confusion, no questioning. It’s right there.

When you’re stuck between wanting two different things at once, remind yourself of what you really want.

There’s what you truly want and what you think you want because of how you’re feeling.

And it may be more difficult and uncomfortable to let go of what you think you want and go for what you truly want, but it will be ridiculously worth it in the end. So much more worth it than going for that instant gratification of feeling better in that moment.

Choose feeling better long-term, working toward goals, and achieving. It’s so much better than getting that minute of pleasure that takes you away from those things!

Have a great week doing and eating what you really, truly want. And you go out there and do some fun things too! Bye bye!


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